Ben’s back, shit. I would usually say it would be quite easy to ignore and avoid him; as we’re not really in the same group of friends. Well I thought this; apparently one person slipped through the net of post-breakup frustration. Both myself and Ben are attending a ‘small friendly gathering’ just after Christmas, ode to joy.
We still haven’t spoken since that crazy angry text I sent him… but I’ve physically seen Ben once since he’s been back, at a party which he made a brief appearance: promptly leaving soon after Mark came up and kissed me quite publicly. So yeah, going well!
You know the drill when you break up with someone; we’ve all been through it. For whatever reason you broke up, the usual outcome is that you make empty promises to stay friends; which never actually happens.
Can you be friends with an ex?
Factors such as being friends first or being in the same group of people or even just having to be around the ex a lot half forces you to make friends again so it’s less awkward and just generally easier. But what if you were none of these things? What if you met and clicked on a more than friendly level instantly, what if you don’t really share any close friends, what if the ex now lives 40 miles away half the year?
Surely I can make a case for not being friends with him. But then again; you can’t just pretend you don’t know them after spending two years with them, being in love with them, seeing them very very naked. Of course I have the solace of knowing that I have Mark to flaunt in the ‘who’s moved on first’ competition’, but does that give me an excuse to be friends?
So what are you if not friends? Acquaintances? One of those people who you say hi to in passing and hope that they don’t stop for small talk? “Ben? Yeah I know him but we’re not really mates.” WHAT?
Why do we even bother attempting to be friends? Askmen.com said: “Not only does it give the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren't monsters, but by wanting to remain friends, it also allows the dumper to feel that their former lover will still be in their life, and they won't have to miss having them around.”
So before this small gathering where I will be keeping myself at least a few yards away from Ben at all times; should I attempt to savage this wreckage? When just seeing him brings back memories, mainly of him naked and on top of me but that’s not the point. The point is I feel like in respect of our now dead relationship, we should both move on and try and be civil. That’s the most mature thing to do right? No matter how awkward and painful it may be.
It took me a year to start talking to my first boyfriend again (and I only kissed him), but he’s now one of my best friends and the first person I told about my Vaginismus. Surely this is a sign that in the end it will all work out? Christmas Eve may be a good place to start; we’ll both be in town and a bit drunk. And come on, tis the season.
Man Up.
xAx
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Since when did 'no strings' have so many tethers?
You know that feeling when you really want something but know you shouldn’t? It’s not quite the same as wanting something you can’t have; it’s wanting something that will turn to ruins if you had it. It’s selfishness.
For some reason I want more than just Friends With Benefits with Mark and I don’t know why. I’m happy now, this feeling is just me being stupid and greedy.
We would be awful together, shocking. He’d be useless and I would get back at him by doing something stupid. I’d feel tied up; the strings between us would turn into rope and then I’d lash out. Ruining everything. If we became more than we already are it would be terrible, so why does a huge part of me want it?
I must just be in the honeymoon stage of FWBs, and watching too much Gossip Girl. As much as the cynical side of me thinks this is a really, really, really, really bad idea to even be contemplating; a teeny tiny bit of me wants someone more. He’s brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy and just arghhh! This isn’t good for me. Well it is, but it wouldn’t be brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy, it would just be arghhh. I don’t like the idea of arghhh as much as I like him.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me! What is it with him that makes me want to go all Blair and Chuck on my own arse?! Though come on, you’d have to be heartless to not want this:
Melt's my heart. What do you think the chances are of making Mark wear a bow tie to sixth form?
xAx
For some reason I want more than just Friends With Benefits with Mark and I don’t know why. I’m happy now, this feeling is just me being stupid and greedy.
We would be awful together, shocking. He’d be useless and I would get back at him by doing something stupid. I’d feel tied up; the strings between us would turn into rope and then I’d lash out. Ruining everything. If we became more than we already are it would be terrible, so why does a huge part of me want it?
I must just be in the honeymoon stage of FWBs, and watching too much Gossip Girl. As much as the cynical side of me thinks this is a really, really, really, really bad idea to even be contemplating; a teeny tiny bit of me wants someone more. He’s brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy and just arghhh! This isn’t good for me. Well it is, but it wouldn’t be brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy, it would just be arghhh. I don’t like the idea of arghhh as much as I like him.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me! What is it with him that makes me want to go all Blair and Chuck on my own arse?! Though come on, you’d have to be heartless to not want this:
Melt's my heart. What do you think the chances are of making Mark wear a bow tie to sixth form?
xAx
V Frustrated.
Vaginismus is the one of the most confusing disorders (no matter whether you’re single or with someone) to go through. The lack of information suitable for teenagers is shocking. This is why I started V-ATTS, to tell people what it’s really like. At times you feel utterly alone, devastatingly alone. Statistics claim that every woman will go through V at some point in their life; how have I managed to not find anyone my age going through it too? When I first consulted my GP about V, she told me it was the equivalent of Erectile Dysfunction. As much as you want to have sex, you just can’t; it can be psychological or physical, which tend to blend into one big vicious circle of being worried about it not working so much; it doesn’t work. So why is there so much fuss about ED around and not V? You say erectile dysfunction; people know what you mean. I tell Ben I think I have Vvaginismus; he has to Wikipedia it. It’s crazy. It’s not right.
I’m still thinking about having a hymenectomy. Before you ask, I’m not recommending this. Even though it’s minor, it’s still an operation. If you are even considering a hymenectomy, think about it. A hymenectomy will not solve V. It just so happens that on top of having partial V I also have a usually thick hymen wall, which does not yet seem to have torn during sex or any other activities, brilliant.
I half wish I had the sheer will and the sheer energy to be more promiscuous; surely the more experiences of sex you have the less your vagina is going to be scared of it, right?
Love you V...
xAx
I’m still thinking about having a hymenectomy. Before you ask, I’m not recommending this. Even though it’s minor, it’s still an operation. If you are even considering a hymenectomy, think about it. A hymenectomy will not solve V. It just so happens that on top of having partial V I also have a usually thick hymen wall, which does not yet seem to have torn during sex or any other activities, brilliant.
I half wish I had the sheer will and the sheer energy to be more promiscuous; surely the more experiences of sex you have the less your vagina is going to be scared of it, right?
Love you V...
xAx
Monday, 22 November 2010
Why do i say these things?
Relationships, whether you like to admit it or not, end for a reason. Me and Ben were not exactly a model couple; we broke up for 3 months at one point and on separate occasions we both cheated on each other. Relationships end for a reason; our reason was that we weren’t worth the hardships of long distance. We weren’t strong enough to get over the 40-odd mile gap. Even taking into consideration the shopping opportunities at Cambridge.
But just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings for each other. I’m assuming that when I see him in person there’s going to be a flood of emotion that’s been pent up in me for the past 2 months, gagging to be fondled by the familiarity that is Ben.
...............................................................................................................
That bit above was written a few nights ago. He got fraped tonight: “I love you A xxx” which obviously made me think that's blatantly me. This pissed me off so much; for the last few days the rage has just been brimming at the surface, waiting to punch someone in the face… It kind of came out in Ben’s direction. So yeah, I text him saying “was that meant to be funny or something? Love A” and long story short we got into a massive argument ending with me saying “I spent two years giving a shit about you and you just assume were going to break up, with no second thoughts. You just leave. Great, thanks. Shows how much I actually meant to you. I loved you so much and would have tried to make it work. But you ruined it. Thanks for wasting two years of my life Ben, was a blast.”
Yeeeeeeaaahhh… not really sure what to do now.
Maybe casual sex is still an option? As Blair puts it: “It's just your ordinary, run of the mill ex sex, fuelled by the most common of aphrodisiacs: mutual loathing and disdain.”
The Gospel of Gossip Girl always helps in times of need.
xAx
But just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings for each other. I’m assuming that when I see him in person there’s going to be a flood of emotion that’s been pent up in me for the past 2 months, gagging to be fondled by the familiarity that is Ben.
...............................................................................................................
That bit above was written a few nights ago. He got fraped tonight: “I love you A xxx” which obviously made me think that's blatantly me. This pissed me off so much; for the last few days the rage has just been brimming at the surface, waiting to punch someone in the face… It kind of came out in Ben’s direction. So yeah, I text him saying “was that meant to be funny or something? Love A” and long story short we got into a massive argument ending with me saying “I spent two years giving a shit about you and you just assume were going to break up, with no second thoughts. You just leave. Great, thanks. Shows how much I actually meant to you. I loved you so much and would have tried to make it work. But you ruined it. Thanks for wasting two years of my life Ben, was a blast.”
Yeeeeeeaaahhh… not really sure what to do now.
Maybe casual sex is still an option? As Blair puts it: “It's just your ordinary, run of the mill ex sex, fuelled by the most common of aphrodisiacs: mutual loathing and disdain.”
The Gospel of Gossip Girl always helps in times of need.
xAx
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Just Good Friends
So I’ve been attempting to rack my brains round this whole Mark issue for the past week or so, resulting in ‘the talk’. Yeah, I hate the talk too, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and be a wuss and text him instead of talking to him in real life. We came to the conclusion that we’ve just been completely stagnant because I thought he wasn’t making a move because I didn’t know what I wanted… and he thought I didn’t know what I wanted because he wasn’t making a move. More of the vicious cycle anyone?
He also admitted that he didn’t want to fuck it up with me but also didn't want to commit himself either. Then I had a brief momemt of brilliance... I was reading through my last blog and realised something, the bit that said ‘I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me want to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me’ is actually not a bad idea… Which leads me to the subject of this blog: Friends With Benefits.
In the words of Hannah Montana, I want the best of both worlds.
Kat had a brief FWB period with a mutual friend: “I think it just came down to the fact that we were both attracted to each other, both friends, both not up for commitment.” She agrees with my FWB theory and thinks Mark would go for it.
So I’ve done some research…
The Most Important Rules Seem To Be These:
•Both parties must be either single or in open relationships.
•If you're not having fun, then by definition, it isn't FWB.
•Just because the sex is casual doesn't make it an appropriate topic for casual conversation. Be discreet.
•Don't assume that duration implies relationship progression.
Both of us are single, we can only find out if we’re having fun by going for it, I can be very discreet and in the last 6 weeks of drunken snogging and house partying our relationship hasn’t really changed at all.
I think this could go very well. All I have to do is get him to agree to it… but after all my research on ‘the rules of FWBs’ I've learnt that a) some of these ‘lad’ websites are really gross and b) most guys seem to be up for the idea.
I was hoping to sign off with some hilarious friends-related pun but I can't think of one... so I'll leave you with this image instead:
You have a nice night
xAx
He also admitted that he didn’t want to fuck it up with me but also didn't want to commit himself either. Then I had a brief momemt of brilliance... I was reading through my last blog and realised something, the bit that said ‘I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me want to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me’ is actually not a bad idea… Which leads me to the subject of this blog: Friends With Benefits.
In the words of Hannah Montana, I want the best of both worlds.
Kat had a brief FWB period with a mutual friend: “I think it just came down to the fact that we were both attracted to each other, both friends, both not up for commitment.” She agrees with my FWB theory and thinks Mark would go for it.
So I’ve done some research…
The Most Important Rules Seem To Be These:
•Both parties must be either single or in open relationships.
•If you're not having fun, then by definition, it isn't FWB.
•Just because the sex is casual doesn't make it an appropriate topic for casual conversation. Be discreet.
•Don't assume that duration implies relationship progression.
Both of us are single, we can only find out if we’re having fun by going for it, I can be very discreet and in the last 6 weeks of drunken snogging and house partying our relationship hasn’t really changed at all.
I think this could go very well. All I have to do is get him to agree to it… but after all my research on ‘the rules of FWBs’ I've learnt that a) some of these ‘lad’ websites are really gross and b) most guys seem to be up for the idea.
I was hoping to sign off with some hilarious friends-related pun but I can't think of one... so I'll leave you with this image instead:
You have a nice night
xAx
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Being in two minds - can't they just get the fuck along?
I have a theory that I want what I can’t have. Then when I get that; I’m briefly happy. Then bored. This could be translated to ‘I really like to be chased’. Which would make me a bit of an attention seeker.
So I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel and think about Mark; it seems to change on a daily basis. Here’s a rundown of all my different opinions:
Mark is like going outside for air. That comfort I’m accustomed to that always feels like a brand new feeling. A relief. That familiarity and freshness all rolled into one. He's brand new but knows off by heart, and I love that.
Off by heart is boring, Mark is boring. I met a guy last weekend at a gig and it was so great to have that spark, that ‘we’re blatantly into each other’ vibe. Mark’s losing my attention, I think that’s why I’m confused about everything. He’s not even trying. I know I’ve made it clear that I don’t want a boyfriend straight after 2 years with Ben. But wouldn’t it be nice to just try and convince me a bit?
I’m tired of chasing something that ‘I might want… but I’m not sure’. I want him to make me want him. We did have a nice little moment on Friday night where we were both at a mates house and ended up kind of snuggled up on the sofa together, it was nice, but to be honest even the word ‘snuggle’ makes me want to boak. He walked me into town after that, which I felt deserved a cheeky thank you snog. But yeah I was in two minds about the whole sofa business, we weren’t even flirting. It was nice, but weird.
I tried googling 'in two minds' for inspiration at this point;
As you can see; it was pretty unhelpful.
A friend said to me today: “you're both telling everyone apart from each other that you want each other!” I want him to tell me, because it might make a difference to what I think about him. His lack of forwardness puts me off him.
Though maybe it’s me, maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. Has the whole thing with Ben just put me off relationships completely? Or maybe I can trick myself into thinking that I’m not in a relationship with Mark when apparently we act like boyfriend and girlfriend just without anything really happening apart from occasional snogging and a one off drunken roll around in the dark at a house party (which I’m still not proud of by the way…)
I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me what to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me.
The friend, the heavily chested fountain of wisdom, also gave me a brilliant thing to say to him:
“you need to mention to mark how nothings ever new with you and how he doesn’t make you feel like he wants you, so if he can’t prove himself, and would rather just go back to being friends… then you will”
“I love it"
“Mwah”
Wise words from a wise girl.
xAx
So I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel and think about Mark; it seems to change on a daily basis. Here’s a rundown of all my different opinions:
Mark is like going outside for air. That comfort I’m accustomed to that always feels like a brand new feeling. A relief. That familiarity and freshness all rolled into one. He's brand new but knows off by heart, and I love that.
Off by heart is boring, Mark is boring. I met a guy last weekend at a gig and it was so great to have that spark, that ‘we’re blatantly into each other’ vibe. Mark’s losing my attention, I think that’s why I’m confused about everything. He’s not even trying. I know I’ve made it clear that I don’t want a boyfriend straight after 2 years with Ben. But wouldn’t it be nice to just try and convince me a bit?
I’m tired of chasing something that ‘I might want… but I’m not sure’. I want him to make me want him. We did have a nice little moment on Friday night where we were both at a mates house and ended up kind of snuggled up on the sofa together, it was nice, but to be honest even the word ‘snuggle’ makes me want to boak. He walked me into town after that, which I felt deserved a cheeky thank you snog. But yeah I was in two minds about the whole sofa business, we weren’t even flirting. It was nice, but weird.
I tried googling 'in two minds' for inspiration at this point;
As you can see; it was pretty unhelpful.
A friend said to me today: “you're both telling everyone apart from each other that you want each other!” I want him to tell me, because it might make a difference to what I think about him. His lack of forwardness puts me off him.
Though maybe it’s me, maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. Has the whole thing with Ben just put me off relationships completely? Or maybe I can trick myself into thinking that I’m not in a relationship with Mark when apparently we act like boyfriend and girlfriend just without anything really happening apart from occasional snogging and a one off drunken roll around in the dark at a house party (which I’m still not proud of by the way…)
I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me what to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me.
The friend, the heavily chested fountain of wisdom, also gave me a brilliant thing to say to him:
“you need to mention to mark how nothings ever new with you and how he doesn’t make you feel like he wants you, so if he can’t prove himself, and would rather just go back to being friends… then you will”
“I love it"
“Mwah”
Wise words from a wise girl.
xAx
Sunday, 7 November 2010
Dilator Dilemma
Today class we’re going to talk about dilators. Does anyone know what one of those is?
I didn’t. Not until our best friend vaginismus came along. Women with vaginismus (including myself) are often given the advice to use dilators, to get the vagina used to something substantial up there. Sound great don’t they? Well I have these and there scaring me to death. I got given them at one of my appointments and am terrified to use them. They sit there, hidden in a drawer, disguised as a makeup bag, in my room. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like I should use them; I just don’t know if I could handle not being able to take one bigger than a tampon. I can use tampons, easily. But there are 4 sizes in my bag of fun, and only the little one seems plausible right now. Which is severely depressing.
Of course I have to just man up really, but as in most cases; that’s easier said than done. There’s a huge difference between manning up and putting it up (there).
Ben once said to me that I was essentially using him as a human dilator, having sex with him for my vagina’s sake rather than because I wanted to have sex with him for pleasure. And to be honest, I think he was right. So I suppose I should get used to using a dilator made out of plastic, rather than one made out of Ben.
That picture above is the exact set that I have by the way, oh and here's some websites to do with treatment for vaginismus:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Treatment.aspx
http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/single.html
http://www.vaginaldilator.co.uk/how-to-use-a-vaginal-dilator.html
happy researching!
xAx
I didn’t. Not until our best friend vaginismus came along. Women with vaginismus (including myself) are often given the advice to use dilators, to get the vagina used to something substantial up there. Sound great don’t they? Well I have these and there scaring me to death. I got given them at one of my appointments and am terrified to use them. They sit there, hidden in a drawer, disguised as a makeup bag, in my room. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like I should use them; I just don’t know if I could handle not being able to take one bigger than a tampon. I can use tampons, easily. But there are 4 sizes in my bag of fun, and only the little one seems plausible right now. Which is severely depressing.
Of course I have to just man up really, but as in most cases; that’s easier said than done. There’s a huge difference between manning up and putting it up (there).
Ben once said to me that I was essentially using him as a human dilator, having sex with him for my vagina’s sake rather than because I wanted to have sex with him for pleasure. And to be honest, I think he was right. So I suppose I should get used to using a dilator made out of plastic, rather than one made out of Ben.
That picture above is the exact set that I have by the way, oh and here's some websites to do with treatment for vaginismus:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Treatment.aspx
http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/single.html
http://www.vaginaldilator.co.uk/how-to-use-a-vaginal-dilator.html
happy researching!
xAx
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Exposed
I should really be doing some coursework right now but it makes me do this:
And I feel I owe you an update…
I’ve been sexless for a month and it’s been interesting, nerve-racking, but interesting.
Things happened with Mark, drunk things at a house party and I’m not sure how I feel about them. In a nutshell, we would have sex if he’d had a condom, but he didn’t. I had one though, but I left it to fate to decide my sex life; if Mark had a condom, we’d have or at least attempt to have sex. This was probably a very clear sign that I wasn’t ready for anything at all, but through a drunken haze, the reality of sleeping with someone new (with or without vaginismus to take into account) doesn’t seem such a bad idea.
I’m gonna take a few steps back here, as you may be wondering whether Mark knows or not. He does. I didn’t tell him though, he found out all on his own. Had a bit of a dramatic Friday; Mark asked to borrow my new laptop (which I have yet to figure out how to securely store private files on) and I said yes and quickly moved all the current blog hard copies into a random folder. To no prevail. He stumbled across the files, which I still think is pretty out of order, he had to dig to find them! I don’t know, maybe he knew I was hiding something; after the whole thing had calmed down a bit he said “this does actually explain a lot”. But who knows, he’s still lying to me anyway; my shiny new laptop also gives me a list of ‘recently opened documents’, Mark claims he read a bit of one then didn’t read anymore… but the evidence piles against him. All six blog entries in that particular folder had been recently opened, and he had two hours with my laptop, once again that is TWO HOURS!
You would read them all wouldn’t you? I certainly would.
I was hoping to tell him on MY terms, when I thought it was the right time, not having to explain myself through tears and shame with a touch of embarrassment thrown in there too.
I’m scared of explaining things to him, especially after that house party. Nothing’s happened since Dramatic Friday; no random kisses on staircases like before, it’s hard to pretend like nothing’s wrong with me when now he knows there really is. It was so much easier to just pretend everything was ok.
(Oh and just for issue of clarity, he still doesn't know about the blog as far as I'm aware and he only read 6 of the earlier blogs, thank god nothing about him...)
In other news, I have another Doctor’s appointment next week; and it's quite a bit of a big deal for me this time because it’s been a year since my very first examination, since all the attempts at dealing with vaginismus and since I actually told someone. A bloody rollercoaster and lies and sex and secrets. Hopefully I’ll be having another examination at this appointment; and I’ll try and be a bit more classy this time… I bet that support nurse has nightmares about me.
Stay sexy
xAx
And I feel I owe you an update…
I’ve been sexless for a month and it’s been interesting, nerve-racking, but interesting.
Things happened with Mark, drunk things at a house party and I’m not sure how I feel about them. In a nutshell, we would have sex if he’d had a condom, but he didn’t. I had one though, but I left it to fate to decide my sex life; if Mark had a condom, we’d have or at least attempt to have sex. This was probably a very clear sign that I wasn’t ready for anything at all, but through a drunken haze, the reality of sleeping with someone new (with or without vaginismus to take into account) doesn’t seem such a bad idea.
I’m gonna take a few steps back here, as you may be wondering whether Mark knows or not. He does. I didn’t tell him though, he found out all on his own. Had a bit of a dramatic Friday; Mark asked to borrow my new laptop (which I have yet to figure out how to securely store private files on) and I said yes and quickly moved all the current blog hard copies into a random folder. To no prevail. He stumbled across the files, which I still think is pretty out of order, he had to dig to find them! I don’t know, maybe he knew I was hiding something; after the whole thing had calmed down a bit he said “this does actually explain a lot”. But who knows, he’s still lying to me anyway; my shiny new laptop also gives me a list of ‘recently opened documents’, Mark claims he read a bit of one then didn’t read anymore… but the evidence piles against him. All six blog entries in that particular folder had been recently opened, and he had two hours with my laptop, once again that is TWO HOURS!
You would read them all wouldn’t you? I certainly would.
I was hoping to tell him on MY terms, when I thought it was the right time, not having to explain myself through tears and shame with a touch of embarrassment thrown in there too.
I’m scared of explaining things to him, especially after that house party. Nothing’s happened since Dramatic Friday; no random kisses on staircases like before, it’s hard to pretend like nothing’s wrong with me when now he knows there really is. It was so much easier to just pretend everything was ok.
(Oh and just for issue of clarity, he still doesn't know about the blog as far as I'm aware and he only read 6 of the earlier blogs, thank god nothing about him...)
In other news, I have another Doctor’s appointment next week; and it's quite a bit of a big deal for me this time because it’s been a year since my very first examination, since all the attempts at dealing with vaginismus and since I actually told someone. A bloody rollercoaster and lies and sex and secrets. Hopefully I’ll be having another examination at this appointment; and I’ll try and be a bit more classy this time… I bet that support nurse has nightmares about me.
Stay sexy
xAx
Sunday, 17 October 2010
A Week in the Life of xAx
Oh my goodness you have missed a lot; ok let me start on Monday, the day after I text Ben and he didn’t reply…
Monday: Delightful day of bitching about Ben and avoiding mark/rumours from Friday night. I avoid Mark until the end of break and go up and talk to him, apologising about ignoring him. I end up not seeing much of him until the end of the day when a cruel twist of fate has us waiting around for a teacher that never turns up, and we end up sitting there chatting and flirting for an hour and a half, it was nice, and I forgot how much I actually fancied him whilst I was with Ben. So yeah… one thing led to another and we… we may have… kissed. We kissed. One minute he was standing up to leave, the next we were kissing. The sad thing is that I can still remember the kiss. Is that bad? I pulled away and apologised over and over again, swiftly leaving the bench we were sitting on. It was a bad idea, I’m sure… but why do I still smile when I think about it?
Tuesday: Ben’s not going to reply, it’s been two whole days. Either he knows about Friday and doesn’t want to talk to me; he hasn’t got the text; he just doesn’t want to talk to me; is compiling an amazing text about how much he misses me and wants me to come to Cambridge straight away so we can have lots of attempts at having sex. I don’t know, I should probably give up. I think I might give up. It’s blatantly the ‘he just doesn’t want to talk to me’ option. I should give up. I started speaking to Mark again, it was nice, we were texting until quite late that night; you know the kind of texting where you really don’t want to fall asleep then you realise you’re texting with your eyes closed?
Wednesday: BOOM. Of course, sod’s fucking law. 5am: rudely woken up my phone which won’t stop buzzing ‘Your Text Message Memory is Full, Please Delete Messages’ I delete all the ones I sent to Mark Tuesday night; and what appears in my inbox. You’ve guessed it. Ben.
“Hey you :) I’m moderate thank you, how are you? Uni is brilliant, I’m sorry to say. So… how’s school going and everything? Have you passed your driving test yet? Say hi to your mum for me ;) I won’t ignore you if you don’t ignore me. It’s all mutual. I liked talking to you. We got on well. This is getting long winded. Please reply, when you have time :) love Ben x”
For fuck’s sake. I was so sure that night that I WANTED to get over Ben. Now I’m in two minds about everything. I reply later Wednesday evening, assuming I won’t get a reply for a few days again. But hey presto! Another reply. This one’s a little different though…
5:04am: “I have got your mrsssahes sorry for yo for not bgdieng tbam we had a good relatiohshghip I ship. Ive heatg you get with everyone. Sloerry wbu. Love you c”
I think this roughly translates as “I’ve received your messages sorry for not replying to them we had a good relationship. I’ve heard you get/got with everyone. Sorry. What you been up to? Love you x”
I get an apology text in the afternoon saying it was the drunkest night of his life. After this I decide to have a Ben-free evening and text Mark to see if he wants meet up for a drink after school, which he agrees to. Good right? This is me moving on, seeing other people. Since Ben’s having the time of his fucking life. Anyway as much as I was all up for moving on and meeting up with Mark for flirting and possible snogging over a Malibu and Coke, it didn’t go quite to plan… A mutual friend crashed. But it was still nice, and it proved to me that even after the drunk and sober snog with Mark, we can still work as friends. It was nice. Distracting.
Thursday: Nothing fun happened on Thursday. I had sausages for tea. (Literally the high point of my day.)
Friday: Went out after school with Mark, Frog, the Mutual Friend and another one of my friends to the pub. Still being friendly with him… maybe the flirtyness only happens when were on our own?
I got a text from Ben saying that he didn’t quite know what he meant by ‘I’ve heard you get/got with everyone’ and didn’t understand what he was talking about. That sentence made me think he knows about last Friday with Mark. Ben doesn’t go on Facebook that often but to be honest, you couldn’t miss that photo…
Saturday: Organised to go to the pub that evening with quite a few people including Mark and if I’m being completely honest, I arrived assuming I’d be drunkenly snogging him once again. But long story short; I didn’t. We were sat at a table must of the night and I was at the other end. The only thing was when we were standing next to each other talking to someone who had just arrived; he put one arm around me. Which I quite enjoyed. But when I our taxi arrived I looked around for him and he’d already left! Which seriously confused me, probably because I was quite drunk, but apparently he was trying to tell me he was leaving and it was loud so I didn’t hear him. Rubbish, I was quite up for some drunken snogging…
Sunday: The day I’m actually writing this. I woke up to an unread text from Mark saying:
1:54am: “You have no idea how much I didn’t want to leave”
I was revelling in the cuteness of this text when I noticed a whole conversation from Mark In my inbox! And the realisation slowly came over me that I’d broken the cardinal sin when it comes to people you fancy; never drunk text them. But having said that, Mark was obviously drunk too, so maybe we cancelled each other out… And if it gets me texts like this:
1:23am: “I really do need to man up don’t I? I really really really wanted to stay so that I could say goodbye properly. I guess I’ll just have to make up for it on Monday :) xxx”
…I suppose it’s ok to ignore the rules occasionally, they’re meant for breaking right?
xAx
Monday: Delightful day of bitching about Ben and avoiding mark/rumours from Friday night. I avoid Mark until the end of break and go up and talk to him, apologising about ignoring him. I end up not seeing much of him until the end of the day when a cruel twist of fate has us waiting around for a teacher that never turns up, and we end up sitting there chatting and flirting for an hour and a half, it was nice, and I forgot how much I actually fancied him whilst I was with Ben. So yeah… one thing led to another and we… we may have… kissed. We kissed. One minute he was standing up to leave, the next we were kissing. The sad thing is that I can still remember the kiss. Is that bad? I pulled away and apologised over and over again, swiftly leaving the bench we were sitting on. It was a bad idea, I’m sure… but why do I still smile when I think about it?
Tuesday: Ben’s not going to reply, it’s been two whole days. Either he knows about Friday and doesn’t want to talk to me; he hasn’t got the text; he just doesn’t want to talk to me; is compiling an amazing text about how much he misses me and wants me to come to Cambridge straight away so we can have lots of attempts at having sex. I don’t know, I should probably give up. I think I might give up. It’s blatantly the ‘he just doesn’t want to talk to me’ option. I should give up. I started speaking to Mark again, it was nice, we were texting until quite late that night; you know the kind of texting where you really don’t want to fall asleep then you realise you’re texting with your eyes closed?
Wednesday: BOOM. Of course, sod’s fucking law. 5am: rudely woken up my phone which won’t stop buzzing ‘Your Text Message Memory is Full, Please Delete Messages’ I delete all the ones I sent to Mark Tuesday night; and what appears in my inbox. You’ve guessed it. Ben.
“Hey you :) I’m moderate thank you, how are you? Uni is brilliant, I’m sorry to say. So… how’s school going and everything? Have you passed your driving test yet? Say hi to your mum for me ;) I won’t ignore you if you don’t ignore me. It’s all mutual. I liked talking to you. We got on well. This is getting long winded. Please reply, when you have time :) love Ben x”
For fuck’s sake. I was so sure that night that I WANTED to get over Ben. Now I’m in two minds about everything. I reply later Wednesday evening, assuming I won’t get a reply for a few days again. But hey presto! Another reply. This one’s a little different though…
5:04am: “I have got your mrsssahes sorry for yo for not bgdieng tbam we had a good relatiohshghip I ship. Ive heatg you get with everyone. Sloerry wbu. Love you c”
I think this roughly translates as “I’ve received your messages sorry for not replying to them we had a good relationship. I’ve heard you get/got with everyone. Sorry. What you been up to? Love you x”
I get an apology text in the afternoon saying it was the drunkest night of his life. After this I decide to have a Ben-free evening and text Mark to see if he wants meet up for a drink after school, which he agrees to. Good right? This is me moving on, seeing other people. Since Ben’s having the time of his fucking life. Anyway as much as I was all up for moving on and meeting up with Mark for flirting and possible snogging over a Malibu and Coke, it didn’t go quite to plan… A mutual friend crashed. But it was still nice, and it proved to me that even after the drunk and sober snog with Mark, we can still work as friends. It was nice. Distracting.
Thursday: Nothing fun happened on Thursday. I had sausages for tea. (Literally the high point of my day.)
Friday: Went out after school with Mark, Frog, the Mutual Friend and another one of my friends to the pub. Still being friendly with him… maybe the flirtyness only happens when were on our own?
I got a text from Ben saying that he didn’t quite know what he meant by ‘I’ve heard you get/got with everyone’ and didn’t understand what he was talking about. That sentence made me think he knows about last Friday with Mark. Ben doesn’t go on Facebook that often but to be honest, you couldn’t miss that photo…
Saturday: Organised to go to the pub that evening with quite a few people including Mark and if I’m being completely honest, I arrived assuming I’d be drunkenly snogging him once again. But long story short; I didn’t. We were sat at a table must of the night and I was at the other end. The only thing was when we were standing next to each other talking to someone who had just arrived; he put one arm around me. Which I quite enjoyed. But when I our taxi arrived I looked around for him and he’d already left! Which seriously confused me, probably because I was quite drunk, but apparently he was trying to tell me he was leaving and it was loud so I didn’t hear him. Rubbish, I was quite up for some drunken snogging…
Sunday: The day I’m actually writing this. I woke up to an unread text from Mark saying:
1:54am: “You have no idea how much I didn’t want to leave”
I was revelling in the cuteness of this text when I noticed a whole conversation from Mark In my inbox! And the realisation slowly came over me that I’d broken the cardinal sin when it comes to people you fancy; never drunk text them. But having said that, Mark was obviously drunk too, so maybe we cancelled each other out… And if it gets me texts like this:
1:23am: “I really do need to man up don’t I? I really really really wanted to stay so that I could say goodbye properly. I guess I’ll just have to make up for it on Monday :) xxx”
…I suppose it’s ok to ignore the rules occasionally, they’re meant for breaking right?
xAx
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Regretexting
SHIT SHIT SHIT
I just text Ben. It was a casual 'hey hows uni?' rather than 'hey why did you leave me?' or 'hey why the fuck haven't you text me you prick?'
but if it WAS casual (and not full of secret hope that it might lead to a fabulous conversation in which he confesses that he hasn't got with anyone at Fresher's week and hasn't been able to stop thinking about me) why have i got this awful feeling that i'm going to regret sending it..?
or what if he doesnt reply at all?!
SHIT SHIT SHIT
one of my friends just said to me: "the art of the rebound is to keep snogging random boys until you forget who Ben is." ... well, one down. how many more to go?
xAx
I just text Ben. It was a casual 'hey hows uni?' rather than 'hey why did you leave me?' or 'hey why the fuck haven't you text me you prick?'
but if it WAS casual (and not full of secret hope that it might lead to a fabulous conversation in which he confesses that he hasn't got with anyone at Fresher's week and hasn't been able to stop thinking about me) why have i got this awful feeling that i'm going to regret sending it..?
or what if he doesnt reply at all?!
SHIT SHIT SHIT
one of my friends just said to me: "the art of the rebound is to keep snogging random boys until you forget who Ben is." ... well, one down. how many more to go?
xAx
Cruel Intentions
Well, you missed an interesting night. I may have done something bad… but we’ll get to that. Let me fill you in on the leading up to/Friday night:
My Fuck It Target was Mark. One of my best guy friends and one of the relatively few untouched pieces of meat on offer that evening.
I know he’s liked me for quite a while now and I think we both kind of assumed that we’d get together casually when I was next single. Next single was Friday night. Perfect scenario right? WRONG.
I used him to get photos of me ‘moving on and getting over Ben’ onto Facebook for the world to see. But as with most things planned with love life in mind, it didn’t go as I’d planned.
The pictures are up, and I still haven’t heard from Ben before or after Friday. Maybe I should just stop caring about him. He probably doesn’t even look at my Facebook anyway. He’s probably just getting on with his life. And yes I do realise how sad everything up to here sounds. I know I'm pathetic, but what else is there to do? Anyway back to Mark...
I got with Mark a few times during the evening and it was nice, I think most people who know us as close friends wanted us to get together, especially Frog who acquired him as a Fuck It Target for that evening. I was pleasantly surprised that he was quite a good kisser…
Right so yeah just before Mark had to leave, we were sat on our own and he grabbed my hand in a kind of ‘I really like you and it’s not just the alcohol’ way. And then he had to leave, saying “I really don’t want to go” over and over again in between kissing me goodbye. It was nice, but I wasn’t smiling or particularly happy for some reason. And when he left, and I was sat there on my own, whilst everyone was dancing and drunk and merry; it hit me. I wished he was Ben. Then I did a thing I'm so ashamed of and vowed I would never do: I became the sad girl at the party. I went into the loos, locked myself in a cubicle, and cried. Well, when I say cried; I mean like one or two tears, not sobbing. But I guess no matter how many tears there were with me in that cubicle; I’m not as over Ben as I thought I was.
By Saturday afternoon the sneaky snaps were up; and I began to feel really guilty. I exploited the fact that Mark really liked me to get pictures of me moving on for Ben to stumble across. What’s wrong with me? Instead of getting what I wanted. I ended up hiding in the girl’s loos crying about a guy I was trying to show the world that I was getting over, I like Mark, he’s sweet and pretty and sarcastic as hell… and I used him. And now have to deal with everyone thinking were actually getting together rather than just getting off. What is actually wrong with me?
Let me know if you figure it out.
xAx
My Fuck It Target was Mark. One of my best guy friends and one of the relatively few untouched pieces of meat on offer that evening.
I know he’s liked me for quite a while now and I think we both kind of assumed that we’d get together casually when I was next single. Next single was Friday night. Perfect scenario right? WRONG.
I used him to get photos of me ‘moving on and getting over Ben’ onto Facebook for the world to see. But as with most things planned with love life in mind, it didn’t go as I’d planned.
The pictures are up, and I still haven’t heard from Ben before or after Friday. Maybe I should just stop caring about him. He probably doesn’t even look at my Facebook anyway. He’s probably just getting on with his life. And yes I do realise how sad everything up to here sounds. I know I'm pathetic, but what else is there to do? Anyway back to Mark...
I got with Mark a few times during the evening and it was nice, I think most people who know us as close friends wanted us to get together, especially Frog who acquired him as a Fuck It Target for that evening. I was pleasantly surprised that he was quite a good kisser…
Right so yeah just before Mark had to leave, we were sat on our own and he grabbed my hand in a kind of ‘I really like you and it’s not just the alcohol’ way. And then he had to leave, saying “I really don’t want to go” over and over again in between kissing me goodbye. It was nice, but I wasn’t smiling or particularly happy for some reason. And when he left, and I was sat there on my own, whilst everyone was dancing and drunk and merry; it hit me. I wished he was Ben. Then I did a thing I'm so ashamed of and vowed I would never do: I became the sad girl at the party. I went into the loos, locked myself in a cubicle, and cried. Well, when I say cried; I mean like one or two tears, not sobbing. But I guess no matter how many tears there were with me in that cubicle; I’m not as over Ben as I thought I was.
By Saturday afternoon the sneaky snaps were up; and I began to feel really guilty. I exploited the fact that Mark really liked me to get pictures of me moving on for Ben to stumble across. What’s wrong with me? Instead of getting what I wanted. I ended up hiding in the girl’s loos crying about a guy I was trying to show the world that I was getting over, I like Mark, he’s sweet and pretty and sarcastic as hell… and I used him. And now have to deal with everyone thinking were actually getting together rather than just getting off. What is actually wrong with me?
Let me know if you figure it out.
xAx
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Do whatever the Fuck you want
I still haven’t heard from Ben (prick), and my sudden lack of ball and chain has led me to believe that I can do whatever the hell I want. Right?
Fuck It Month: the cornerstone in every rebound turnover period. Now this is not just a reason for me to be a total slag, Fuck It Month is a way of life. A month of forgetting consequences. It just so happens that most people see those consequences as STI’s, pregnancy, reputation, cheating… BUT THAT IS NOT MY FAULT. I’m a good Fuck It girl, I only snog. To avoid awkwardness. And diseases.
I will be forcing myself into singularity on Friday night, but sadly not at a Fresher’s Week with Joe and Kat and a bunch of strangers drinking into the night and then chundering everywaaaar; but at a friend’s 18th birthday party at the local social club and stomach pump hangout. The home of debauchery, desperation and short cut dresses. Where the life is sucked out of you if you are not completely and utterly fuelled by the insanely expensive inebriation petrol.
But all’s well. I’m coping. Better than I thought actually. I think knowing my relationship was going to end has caused my subconscious to have secretly gotten over a large majority Ben without me even knowing, good going babe.
So yes, Fuck It Month. Myself and fellow Fuck Iters have found from our previous experiences that to achieve a successful Fuck It Month it’s handy to have a Fuck It companion, lots of alcohol and targets.
My companion: my very good friend (and newly knowledgeable of the condition) Frog. Ok her name’s Charlotte, but she’s called Frog. It’s a long story but it’s just easier this way k?
My targets: be patient, I’ve got until Friday.
Common etiquette for Fuck It Month is for your Fuck It Month companion to suggest your targets for you. I think Frog has a few in mind, but I’ll get back to you about that.
TA TA
xAx
Fuck It Month: the cornerstone in every rebound turnover period. Now this is not just a reason for me to be a total slag, Fuck It Month is a way of life. A month of forgetting consequences. It just so happens that most people see those consequences as STI’s, pregnancy, reputation, cheating… BUT THAT IS NOT MY FAULT. I’m a good Fuck It girl, I only snog. To avoid awkwardness. And diseases.
I will be forcing myself into singularity on Friday night, but sadly not at a Fresher’s Week with Joe and Kat and a bunch of strangers drinking into the night and then chundering everywaaaar; but at a friend’s 18th birthday party at the local social club and stomach pump hangout. The home of debauchery, desperation and short cut dresses. Where the life is sucked out of you if you are not completely and utterly fuelled by the insanely expensive inebriation petrol.
But all’s well. I’m coping. Better than I thought actually. I think knowing my relationship was going to end has caused my subconscious to have secretly gotten over a large majority Ben without me even knowing, good going babe.
So yes, Fuck It Month. Myself and fellow Fuck Iters have found from our previous experiences that to achieve a successful Fuck It Month it’s handy to have a Fuck It companion, lots of alcohol and targets.
My companion: my very good friend (and newly knowledgeable of the condition) Frog. Ok her name’s Charlotte, but she’s called Frog. It’s a long story but it’s just easier this way k?
My targets: be patient, I’ve got until Friday.
Common etiquette for Fuck It Month is for your Fuck It Month companion to suggest your targets for you. I think Frog has a few in mind, but I’ll get back to you about that.
TA TA
xAx
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Working on my backwards walk.
As I’m sat here writing this I feel very little. I don’t feel sad that a huge part of my life is over. I don’t feel relieved that all the pain, confusion and heartache is over.
I do however feel scared. Terrified in fact.
Every time I give in and think about Ben I just become overwhelmingly scared that vaginismus is going to stop me from moving on. Like from now on my love life is just going to be some backwards walk because I’ll always be thinking ‘what if people find out the thing I’ve spent two years hiding?’.
I feel abandoned by Ben. And jealous that I can’t just up and leave this fucking curse behind like he can. On our last night together I gave in to my stupid thoughts, I asked him if he thought it would be a bad idea to casually see each other when he comes back. Here’s how this conversation went:
“so you say you’re never going to have sex ever again?”
“If i can help it, what’s the point if there’s the risk of people finding out about it… then no one will want to have sex with me anyway... what’s going to happen between us when you come back?”
“I’m not going to be back for a long time ya know, like... December.”
Long, long pause.
“well what would you say to seeing each other when you get back?”
“I don’t know, wouldn’t that be just really weird and a bit… awkward?”
“oh… ok, don’t worry, forget I said anything about it.”
“well I’m not saying no.”
Relieved and slightly embarrassed laugh.
“I glad you’re not saying no”.
So yeah, that’s all I can remember of that really. I waved him off Saturday morning, which was horrible. As he left he said he’d text me Saturday evening once he’d settled in.
He didn’t.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in December, but I doubt it’s going to be any sort of magical reunion like in the excessive amounts of American dramas that I watch to avoid dealing with my own issues.
So on second thought, I’m still not feeling much; but I’m thinking a lot. About everything.
I might be going to visit Joe during his Fresher’s Week next Friday with Kat. I think a one week rebound turnover is respectableish and if I end up in a scenario in which I attempt drunk sex with a horny Fresher… at least I can blame it on the alcohol and then leave promptly in the morning.
More to come soon I'm sure.
xAx
I do however feel scared. Terrified in fact.
Every time I give in and think about Ben I just become overwhelmingly scared that vaginismus is going to stop me from moving on. Like from now on my love life is just going to be some backwards walk because I’ll always be thinking ‘what if people find out the thing I’ve spent two years hiding?’.
I feel abandoned by Ben. And jealous that I can’t just up and leave this fucking curse behind like he can. On our last night together I gave in to my stupid thoughts, I asked him if he thought it would be a bad idea to casually see each other when he comes back. Here’s how this conversation went:
“so you say you’re never going to have sex ever again?”
“If i can help it, what’s the point if there’s the risk of people finding out about it… then no one will want to have sex with me anyway... what’s going to happen between us when you come back?”
“I’m not going to be back for a long time ya know, like... December.”
Long, long pause.
“well what would you say to seeing each other when you get back?”
“I don’t know, wouldn’t that be just really weird and a bit… awkward?”
“oh… ok, don’t worry, forget I said anything about it.”
“well I’m not saying no.”
Relieved and slightly embarrassed laugh.
“I glad you’re not saying no”.
So yeah, that’s all I can remember of that really. I waved him off Saturday morning, which was horrible. As he left he said he’d text me Saturday evening once he’d settled in.
He didn’t.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in December, but I doubt it’s going to be any sort of magical reunion like in the excessive amounts of American dramas that I watch to avoid dealing with my own issues.
So on second thought, I’m still not feeling much; but I’m thinking a lot. About everything.
I might be going to visit Joe during his Fresher’s Week next Friday with Kat. I think a one week rebound turnover is respectableish and if I end up in a scenario in which I attempt drunk sex with a horny Fresher… at least I can blame it on the alcohol and then leave promptly in the morning.
More to come soon I'm sure.
xAx
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
To Party Poop?
I’m not the sad girl at the party, I never have been. I tend to think girl’s that cry at parties WANT to be seen crying. And it’s just stupid.
Here’s the thing; Ben is leaving Saturday morning, my friend’s 18th is Saturday night. Fuck.
This could go one of many ways:
• I go to the party, be unexciting, unapproachable, unfriendly, just generally unfun.
• I go to the party, with a bottle of Malibu, get wasted, rebound, become a slag for the evening.
• I don’t go to the party, instead I sit at home and watch 500 Days of Summer and cry until I pass out from dehydration.
What does one do in a situation in which one feels the need to get wrecked but don’t want to do something one will regret, especially the same day that Ben leaves.
This may seem a bit disjointed but it leads me to my main point: how long do you have to wait til you’re allowed to have a drunken rebound? I’ve written before about vaginismus stopping me from sleeping around, and due to the curse of the rebellious vagina I consider snogging just as reboundey as shagging; except there’s less risk of embarrassing ‘errmmm… why doesn’t It fit..?’ situations.
But I want to go CRAZY, OFF MY HEAD, OFF MY FACE, OFF MY FUCKING ROCKET.
I think Ben wants to stay ‘in touch’, and by ‘in touch’ if pretty sure he means ‘let’s casually get together for lots of sex when I get back from uni’. I REALLY want to do this, which I think is why I shouldn’t. I was the one that wanted to be casual when we first got together, but I got swept up into the whirlwind of niceness of a new relationship and couldn’t keep my feelings off him. So to speak. So I’d be good at casual, if this was the beginning of a new relationship. I wouldn’t get emotionally attached if he lives in Cambridge. But it’s Ben. My Ben. Which is why I want to and which is why shouldn’t.
Oh but I really want to.
Using him for practicing sex would be the only plus in this, but I don’t want to be seen as the girl who doesn’t move on because ‘oh my ex is coming back next weekend and we’re gonna arrange to meet up, I think.’ NO. Not happening.
That song by Katy Perry "Thinking of You" is just what I need to represent what I think my future situation is going to be. Not wanting to move on because Ben has me on the hook. But rebounding anyway, because let’s face it I like attention and will need distraction.
“What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night”
This thought process is going to have me in a dilemma on Saturday. What the hell do I do?
Do I go? Or should I snuggle up with myself, Ben and Jerry and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
HOW ARE YOU SO FUCKIN SEXY?!
xAx
Here’s the thing; Ben is leaving Saturday morning, my friend’s 18th is Saturday night. Fuck.
This could go one of many ways:
• I go to the party, be unexciting, unapproachable, unfriendly, just generally unfun.
• I go to the party, with a bottle of Malibu, get wasted, rebound, become a slag for the evening.
• I don’t go to the party, instead I sit at home and watch 500 Days of Summer and cry until I pass out from dehydration.
What does one do in a situation in which one feels the need to get wrecked but don’t want to do something one will regret, especially the same day that Ben leaves.
This may seem a bit disjointed but it leads me to my main point: how long do you have to wait til you’re allowed to have a drunken rebound? I’ve written before about vaginismus stopping me from sleeping around, and due to the curse of the rebellious vagina I consider snogging just as reboundey as shagging; except there’s less risk of embarrassing ‘errmmm… why doesn’t It fit..?’ situations.
But I want to go CRAZY, OFF MY HEAD, OFF MY FACE, OFF MY FUCKING ROCKET.
I think Ben wants to stay ‘in touch’, and by ‘in touch’ if pretty sure he means ‘let’s casually get together for lots of sex when I get back from uni’. I REALLY want to do this, which I think is why I shouldn’t. I was the one that wanted to be casual when we first got together, but I got swept up into the whirlwind of niceness of a new relationship and couldn’t keep my feelings off him. So to speak. So I’d be good at casual, if this was the beginning of a new relationship. I wouldn’t get emotionally attached if he lives in Cambridge. But it’s Ben. My Ben. Which is why I want to and which is why shouldn’t.
Oh but I really want to.
Using him for practicing sex would be the only plus in this, but I don’t want to be seen as the girl who doesn’t move on because ‘oh my ex is coming back next weekend and we’re gonna arrange to meet up, I think.’ NO. Not happening.
That song by Katy Perry "Thinking of You" is just what I need to represent what I think my future situation is going to be. Not wanting to move on because Ben has me on the hook. But rebounding anyway, because let’s face it I like attention and will need distraction.
“What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night”
This thought process is going to have me in a dilemma on Saturday. What the hell do I do?
Do I go? Or should I snuggle up with myself, Ben and Jerry and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
HOW ARE YOU SO FUCKIN SEXY?!
xAx
Monday, 6 September 2010
T Minus 21 Days...
Abuse me, use me, just shut up and do me.
I want some really good sex, mind blowing sex. Orgasmic sex, sex where you don’t care about anything else; not your body, not your morals, not your mind. Nothing. Nothing everything sex.
Sadly I can’t have that, I have ‘ok this isn’t TOO painful this time... oh wait, am I crying?’ sex. But I need to take advantage of this sex, because it’ll soon be over. Ben and I are breaking up in 3 weeks, he’s off to uni and I’ve always gone with the ‘always go to uni single’ mindset, it’s hard to go back on that.
The thing is I don't know what to do about ben now. Well it's more like I don't know what to do without ben. He helped me overcome most of my vaginismus and is still helping. The problem is that he's leaving for university at the end of September (that’s 3 weeks guys) giving me very little time to perfect enjoying sex. Because that's the issue I'm facing atm, penetration is ok, he's able to orgasm... But I'm not. I don't enjoy having sex. It's still painful to a certain degree so we do take it easy, but to be honest I wanted him to be able to enjoy sex first of all, I kind of felt I owed him that, and I have quite a high pain threshold, even when it hurts like a thousand sons of bitches. Of course I enjoy the whole rough and tumble of it all and the foreplay is still great and always has been. But sex, the grand finale, the big o, the full monty, meh.
I dont know what to think about this, because who knows, it could just be Ben's bad at sex? We were both virgins when we met, so it's not like he's anymore experienced than I am. So what is it? Is it possible to actually have an orgasm during sex with vaginismus?
This question that’s been tearing up my brain for several weeks leads me onto the thoughts I've currently been having. I suppose it's similar to when you've come out of a long term relationship: How do I start seeing other people?! The upside of having a rebellious vagina means that I'm never going to sleep around. But after coming out of a 2 year relationship that I don't really want to end; I'm going to be in need of alcohol and rebounds.
The pressure of teenage culture nowadays means that most guys think just snogging someone isn't sodding enough! If you're single with vaginismus, serious respect. It must be stressful, horrible. A distressing playingfield that I'm unwillingly going to be thrown into very soon. So yes, only 3 weeks until ben leaves to go have lots of successful stranger rebound sex at freshers week, without having to think 'did I pack the lube?', whilst I'm left here, with no one to even try to shag. Great. Cheers babes.
xAx
I want some really good sex, mind blowing sex. Orgasmic sex, sex where you don’t care about anything else; not your body, not your morals, not your mind. Nothing. Nothing everything sex.
Sadly I can’t have that, I have ‘ok this isn’t TOO painful this time... oh wait, am I crying?’ sex. But I need to take advantage of this sex, because it’ll soon be over. Ben and I are breaking up in 3 weeks, he’s off to uni and I’ve always gone with the ‘always go to uni single’ mindset, it’s hard to go back on that.
The thing is I don't know what to do about ben now. Well it's more like I don't know what to do without ben. He helped me overcome most of my vaginismus and is still helping. The problem is that he's leaving for university at the end of September (that’s 3 weeks guys) giving me very little time to perfect enjoying sex. Because that's the issue I'm facing atm, penetration is ok, he's able to orgasm... But I'm not. I don't enjoy having sex. It's still painful to a certain degree so we do take it easy, but to be honest I wanted him to be able to enjoy sex first of all, I kind of felt I owed him that, and I have quite a high pain threshold, even when it hurts like a thousand sons of bitches. Of course I enjoy the whole rough and tumble of it all and the foreplay is still great and always has been. But sex, the grand finale, the big o, the full monty, meh.
I dont know what to think about this, because who knows, it could just be Ben's bad at sex? We were both virgins when we met, so it's not like he's anymore experienced than I am. So what is it? Is it possible to actually have an orgasm during sex with vaginismus?
This question that’s been tearing up my brain for several weeks leads me onto the thoughts I've currently been having. I suppose it's similar to when you've come out of a long term relationship: How do I start seeing other people?! The upside of having a rebellious vagina means that I'm never going to sleep around. But after coming out of a 2 year relationship that I don't really want to end; I'm going to be in need of alcohol and rebounds.
The pressure of teenage culture nowadays means that most guys think just snogging someone isn't sodding enough! If you're single with vaginismus, serious respect. It must be stressful, horrible. A distressing playingfield that I'm unwillingly going to be thrown into very soon. So yes, only 3 weeks until ben leaves to go have lots of successful stranger rebound sex at freshers week, without having to think 'did I pack the lube?', whilst I'm left here, with no one to even try to shag. Great. Cheers babes.
xAx
Thursday, 5 August 2010
The Appointment After
It’s important to consult a doctor as soon as you can if you think you have vaginismus, which is the inability or difficulty to penetrate the vagina. There’s also another condition, which kind of goes hand in hand with most cases of vaginismus. This is called Dyspareunia, which is when sex is really painful for the girl. I’m pretty sure I have this too.
If you think you have either of these conditions, you should tell someone. I kept it to myself for a year and a half and I crumbled over the questions, the stress, the pressure. I haven’t told my parents, I’m really close to my mum; but telling her my vagina doesn’t work really isn’t the kind of conversation I want to be having over dinner. And I couldn’t talk to my boyfriend about it, I don’t know why, I know it sounds bad but at the time I thought that all he wanted was to be able to have sex, not fix the pain or the worry. You will need to tell someone. This is not something you should go through alone. No matter how embarrassed you feel. No matter how much of a burden you feel on that person you tell. It’s not worth feeling that alone.
Anyway: the return of Doctor Accent. Ben drove me up to the hospital and I met up for the my next appointment with her after the dreaded examination. Much like a Morning After; this appointment is A.W.K.W.A.R.D. So be warned. It's not fun talking a woman who the last time you saw was when she was poking around in between your legs whilst you were crying and swearing at the support nurse. The Appointment After is not to be enjoyed.
So yeah during my first appointment (after the poking, the crying and the screaming) the good ol' doc recommended... Well... she recommended KY jelly. I'm pretty sure she just meant general lube. Lubricant makes the vagina wetter and helps penetration and comes in all sorts and flavours. Super. If you’re up for trying lube, do it. It's an uncomfortable conversation: asking your significant other to try it, which is better done when drunk, but it helped me a lot.
I ended up using the blue durex play. The downside is that it's quite cold, but it's a lot less intimidating than KY jelly for the guy. Ben chose the durex one to feel manly I think, always let him choose the lube. It makes him feel like he's helping. Especially if it does actually help.
Overall the durex play lube worked pretty well, it didn’t fix the problem but it made penetration a lot easier and kind of made everything run a lot smoother, it was less 'drunk virgins rolling round in the dark' more 'wow he actually just came. During sex!’ If you are having trouble. Try it. ASAP.
xAx
If you think you have either of these conditions, you should tell someone. I kept it to myself for a year and a half and I crumbled over the questions, the stress, the pressure. I haven’t told my parents, I’m really close to my mum; but telling her my vagina doesn’t work really isn’t the kind of conversation I want to be having over dinner. And I couldn’t talk to my boyfriend about it, I don’t know why, I know it sounds bad but at the time I thought that all he wanted was to be able to have sex, not fix the pain or the worry. You will need to tell someone. This is not something you should go through alone. No matter how embarrassed you feel. No matter how much of a burden you feel on that person you tell. It’s not worth feeling that alone.
Anyway: the return of Doctor Accent. Ben drove me up to the hospital and I met up for the my next appointment with her after the dreaded examination. Much like a Morning After; this appointment is A.W.K.W.A.R.D. So be warned. It's not fun talking a woman who the last time you saw was when she was poking around in between your legs whilst you were crying and swearing at the support nurse. The Appointment After is not to be enjoyed.
So yeah during my first appointment (after the poking, the crying and the screaming) the good ol' doc recommended... Well... she recommended KY jelly. I'm pretty sure she just meant general lube. Lubricant makes the vagina wetter and helps penetration and comes in all sorts and flavours. Super. If you’re up for trying lube, do it. It's an uncomfortable conversation: asking your significant other to try it, which is better done when drunk, but it helped me a lot.
I ended up using the blue durex play. The downside is that it's quite cold, but it's a lot less intimidating than KY jelly for the guy. Ben chose the durex one to feel manly I think, always let him choose the lube. It makes him feel like he's helping. Especially if it does actually help.
Overall the durex play lube worked pretty well, it didn’t fix the problem but it made penetration a lot easier and kind of made everything run a lot smoother, it was less 'drunk virgins rolling round in the dark' more 'wow he actually just came. During sex!’ If you are having trouble. Try it. ASAP.
xAx
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Exam Stress
So I finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctor’s. I cried very embarrassingly through the interview with a woman with a thick Indian accent; explained that I can’t have sex and think I had vaginismus. It is shockingly hard to talk about your hymen in person.
Anyway, yes. Hymens. Apparently I still have one. Which is unusual considering I’ve kind of half had sex and use those super big tampons on a regular basis. So yeah, hurray for hymens…
The doctor basically gave me some options and explained that my hymen is quite thick, and hopefully will eventually break, at some point. A Hymenectomy was also an option, which is where they cut it in half and essentially ‘tearing’ it as it should do during regular, run of the mill sex. This scared me like crazy, I’m not squeamish, but just the image of a scalpel in the nether regions makes me cringe in the same way I imagine guys do when they see someone getting kicked in the balls really hard.
Anyway the doctor told me those dreadful things after my examination. Jeez, the examination. They took me in this room and told me to take off everything on my bottom half, I recommend if you go for/are expecting there to be an examination you should wear a casual floaty dress, as you feel a right nonce standing there in just a shirt and bra…
They told me to lie on the bed in the usual position; ankles together, knees apart. Then started the weirdest 5 minutes of my life so far, and it began with the sentence ‘I’m just going to put this dilator…’ FML. Looking back on it, I could have been a lot more graceful about the whole experience, like remembering to shave and not yelling at the nurse ‘do you realise what she’s doing down there?!’ when she asked me what my A Level choices are.
I’m not going to sugar coat it; from when the dilator was about half way in until I couldn’t take any more and told them to take it out, it hurt like a mother. It hurt a lot more than the times I’ve tried to have sex and failed. With the position my legs were in it felt like I was giving birth. It. Was. Awful. But I only had to do it once. And in the long run, I owe it to that torturous dilator and that emotionally scared nurse big time.
xAx
Anyway, yes. Hymens. Apparently I still have one. Which is unusual considering I’ve kind of half had sex and use those super big tampons on a regular basis. So yeah, hurray for hymens…
The doctor basically gave me some options and explained that my hymen is quite thick, and hopefully will eventually break, at some point. A Hymenectomy was also an option, which is where they cut it in half and essentially ‘tearing’ it as it should do during regular, run of the mill sex. This scared me like crazy, I’m not squeamish, but just the image of a scalpel in the nether regions makes me cringe in the same way I imagine guys do when they see someone getting kicked in the balls really hard.
Anyway the doctor told me those dreadful things after my examination. Jeez, the examination. They took me in this room and told me to take off everything on my bottom half, I recommend if you go for/are expecting there to be an examination you should wear a casual floaty dress, as you feel a right nonce standing there in just a shirt and bra…
They told me to lie on the bed in the usual position; ankles together, knees apart. Then started the weirdest 5 minutes of my life so far, and it began with the sentence ‘I’m just going to put this dilator…’ FML. Looking back on it, I could have been a lot more graceful about the whole experience, like remembering to shave and not yelling at the nurse ‘do you realise what she’s doing down there?!’ when she asked me what my A Level choices are.
I’m not going to sugar coat it; from when the dilator was about half way in until I couldn’t take any more and told them to take it out, it hurt like a mother. It hurt a lot more than the times I’ve tried to have sex and failed. With the position my legs were in it felt like I was giving birth. It. Was. Awful. But I only had to do it once. And in the long run, I owe it to that torturous dilator and that emotionally scared nurse big time.
xAx
The Big V
I never actually intended to lose my virginity to Ben (my boyfriend), he actually started out as my friend’s older brother, who quite a lot of people fancied (which was clearly demonstrated by the wave of high fives I received after the rumours of my sibling shagging escapades) but I’d never actually met him as ‘Sarah’s Brother’, I met him as ‘Ben’.
The attempt it sex itself, vag’s grand debut, was pretty unspectacular. Its stage being my mate’s bed at an alcohol fuelled house party. I was sort of seeing him at the time, but I think it was the alcohol that kicked things off a bit; I didn’t go to the party intending to sleep with anyone. We snogged on a sofa for a bit, and it was only the next day that I realised most the party was in fact witness to said snogging, with me sitting on his lap for far to long to comprehend. Buuuut I was drunk so even he whispered the clichéd line ‘shall we go upstairs?’ in my ear didn’t put me off. Don’t get me wrong, I really fancied this guy and had for the month or so that we’d been snogging on sofas. But how can a 17 year old boy be so damn seductive? Alcohol and a dark room I suppose.
He went to check for a free room; I went to rearrange and touch up. I didn’t intend for the Big V to be lost in my mate’s room (nor was I slightly vengeful for the same mate loosing his virginity in my bed the month before… that was a mere lucky coincidence.)
The moments of our newly formed relationship were moments of dramatically passionate foreplay, which I blagged my way through having only ever heard stories more experienced friends at school. I was pretty sure he was a virgin too (he was) but I heard of a former girlfriend of 6 months in the usual ‘possible boyfriend background check’, who my have been the Big Taker (she wasn't). Thinking back, I’m not sure knowing he was a virgin too would have helped the situation. On the one hand it would have comforting to know that neither he nor I knew what we were doing. But on the other hand, it was much more settling to pretend that we did.
If you’re at all interested, I began snogging him in dark rooms on the 8th of November 2008, the Big V mustn’t have come long after that as I distinctly remember panicking about what to say afterwards and settling with ‘does this mean I have to buy you a Christmas present?’. Thankfully he found this question amusing rather than disturbing.
Our similar lack of previous sex lives was probably part of the reason we never really mentioned that the sex didn’t actually work from the get go. But from that night on I considered myself unvirginated. Nowadays I do kind of consider myself experienced, even if it just ‘I’ve experienced most things just with the one person’.
Except THAT. If ‘that’ is what you’re thinking… I suppose it would be a solution; but I’m not even gonna go there. You dirty minded people…
xAx
The attempt it sex itself, vag’s grand debut, was pretty unspectacular. Its stage being my mate’s bed at an alcohol fuelled house party. I was sort of seeing him at the time, but I think it was the alcohol that kicked things off a bit; I didn’t go to the party intending to sleep with anyone. We snogged on a sofa for a bit, and it was only the next day that I realised most the party was in fact witness to said snogging, with me sitting on his lap for far to long to comprehend. Buuuut I was drunk so even he whispered the clichéd line ‘shall we go upstairs?’ in my ear didn’t put me off. Don’t get me wrong, I really fancied this guy and had for the month or so that we’d been snogging on sofas. But how can a 17 year old boy be so damn seductive? Alcohol and a dark room I suppose.
He went to check for a free room; I went to rearrange and touch up. I didn’t intend for the Big V to be lost in my mate’s room (nor was I slightly vengeful for the same mate loosing his virginity in my bed the month before… that was a mere lucky coincidence.)
The moments of our newly formed relationship were moments of dramatically passionate foreplay, which I blagged my way through having only ever heard stories more experienced friends at school. I was pretty sure he was a virgin too (he was) but I heard of a former girlfriend of 6 months in the usual ‘possible boyfriend background check’, who my have been the Big Taker (she wasn't). Thinking back, I’m not sure knowing he was a virgin too would have helped the situation. On the one hand it would have comforting to know that neither he nor I knew what we were doing. But on the other hand, it was much more settling to pretend that we did.
If you’re at all interested, I began snogging him in dark rooms on the 8th of November 2008, the Big V mustn’t have come long after that as I distinctly remember panicking about what to say afterwards and settling with ‘does this mean I have to buy you a Christmas present?’. Thankfully he found this question amusing rather than disturbing.
Our similar lack of previous sex lives was probably part of the reason we never really mentioned that the sex didn’t actually work from the get go. But from that night on I considered myself unvirginated. Nowadays I do kind of consider myself experienced, even if it just ‘I’ve experienced most things just with the one person’.
Except THAT. If ‘that’ is what you’re thinking… I suppose it would be a solution; but I’m not even gonna go there. You dirty minded people…
xAx
Introduction to celibacy
Hi
I'm not going to tell you my name because (as I imagine you can sympathise with if you are reading this) I have vaginismus and only 2 people know besides from myself, it's not severe. But it's there. And it effects my love life spectacularly.
I have a boyfriend, who obviously knows. In fact he found out when I did, we were both virgins when we met. And neither of us had any idea that vaginismus can occur. However now, we're oh so fucking aware... We've been together for nearly 2 years, but I've only really gotten to grips with my issue in the last 6 months or so. He helps me get through it, and I am unbelievably grateful to have him.
The second person is my best friend joe. I chose to tell him because i can trust him with my life. He is brutally honest, compassionate, supportive and I love him. I recommend if you have a boyfriend; that you tell one person who isn't him. I've found that having an 'outside the relationship bubble' opinion helps tremendously. I'm thinking about telling a girl, my brilliant friend Kat. As Joe is off to uni soon, and I'd quite like a girl opinion too.
Oh i forgot to say, I'm 17 studying at 6th form, soon to be 18 in the next month or so. I want to be a writer, but I'm mainly writing this because when I discovered I had vaginismus there were tonnes of chat rooms and helpful websites explaining the options and the methods of overcoming it and stories of 'virgin marriages' and all this nonsense about how this affects people... But there was nothing truely personal, I needed a blog like this, like the one I'm going to write. A first hand account. There was also nothing for teenagers, it was all for 'women' looking to settle down or ones that go for couple's counselling to 'overcome this together'. That is worth nothing to a teenager. I needed an account of how to live and overcome having vaginismus from the start. And how to live in a 6th formers world were one of the biggest issues is having sex, let alone attempting to have sex.
I'll try and find some other blogs and accounts and write about things that have helped me deal with a rebellious vagina. And I'll keep you as updated as possible on my sex life too.
xAx
I'm not going to tell you my name because (as I imagine you can sympathise with if you are reading this) I have vaginismus and only 2 people know besides from myself, it's not severe. But it's there. And it effects my love life spectacularly.
I have a boyfriend, who obviously knows. In fact he found out when I did, we were both virgins when we met. And neither of us had any idea that vaginismus can occur. However now, we're oh so fucking aware... We've been together for nearly 2 years, but I've only really gotten to grips with my issue in the last 6 months or so. He helps me get through it, and I am unbelievably grateful to have him.
The second person is my best friend joe. I chose to tell him because i can trust him with my life. He is brutally honest, compassionate, supportive and I love him. I recommend if you have a boyfriend; that you tell one person who isn't him. I've found that having an 'outside the relationship bubble' opinion helps tremendously. I'm thinking about telling a girl, my brilliant friend Kat. As Joe is off to uni soon, and I'd quite like a girl opinion too.
Oh i forgot to say, I'm 17 studying at 6th form, soon to be 18 in the next month or so. I want to be a writer, but I'm mainly writing this because when I discovered I had vaginismus there were tonnes of chat rooms and helpful websites explaining the options and the methods of overcoming it and stories of 'virgin marriages' and all this nonsense about how this affects people... But there was nothing truely personal, I needed a blog like this, like the one I'm going to write. A first hand account. There was also nothing for teenagers, it was all for 'women' looking to settle down or ones that go for couple's counselling to 'overcome this together'. That is worth nothing to a teenager. I needed an account of how to live and overcome having vaginismus from the start. And how to live in a 6th formers world were one of the biggest issues is having sex, let alone attempting to have sex.
I'll try and find some other blogs and accounts and write about things that have helped me deal with a rebellious vagina. And I'll keep you as updated as possible on my sex life too.
xAx
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