It is a sickly moment of dark surprise when you discover a loved one has done something you previously believed they weren’t capable of. Whether it is dread, jealously or pain that overcomes you, it is the next moments of silent disbelief that make us all the same.
Mark: ‘I just think that this is too difficult and complicated.’
Me: ‘and you don’t think it’s worth it?’
Mark: ‘no i just don’t think we will ever make it easy.’
Me: ‘it’s not meant to be easy! You know what, i think you’re just scared. Because you know that this was actually going somewhere...’
Some time later.
Me: ‘what do you actually want Mark? Because you’re not actually saying anything…’
Mark: ‘that’s because i don’t want to say it.’
Me: ‘then don’t. You blatantly don’t want to do this if you can’t even say it’
Mark: ‘I don’t want to say it because i don’t want you to hate me.’
Me: ‘I’m not going to hate you, you’re one of my best friends. How could i hate you? Just stop pissing about, if you honestly mean it then say it.’
Mark: ‘Alright. I’ve said that I don’t see how this can work, it’s too complicated and it’s too hard and i want things to go back to how they were before ben left when we were just friends. Because i don’t want to lose you completely.
Me: ‘Ok’
Mark: ‘I just can’t keep doing this’
Me: ‘Ok.’
So I’m back to being dark and twisty, bitter and dejected, miserable and angry. Hatin’ on everything and everyone that seems vaguely happy or in love. I was on the tube last time I was truly dark and twisty, when I realised after about 5 straight minutes of staring I was in fact staring quite ghoulishly at a couple on a date. The girl was beautifully happy, a rose in her hand, something out of a romcom. The guy was attentive, to him there was nothing, nothing but her. Complete and utter infatuation. I wished i had that, and wished they didn’t. I hadn’t posted before today for 6 weeks, when all this was kicking off. It’s because in blog world I was still happy, with Mark.
He came to my New Year’s Eve party, I asked him to come. Not so I could try and get with him or anything, but because I preferred him to come as my friend than not at all. This didn’t work out as well I thought it would though, of course I thought things would work out. They always do with me and Mark. But they really didn’t. Frog (the fuck it month companion) locked us in my room together and wouldn’t let us out until we talked things over. It was over. She let Mark out, I locked myself in. Overcome by everything, I shut the door, sat on my bed and cried. A sudden glorious desperation washed over me, I was alone. In a very melodramatic manner. Very similar to this:
Some time later.
Me: Don’t worry, after the whole Little Double Slut thing I now truly understand that you don’t care.
Mark: ‘loving how low an opinion you have of me.’
Me: ‘I can’t really think the best of you right now tbh. It’s weird, i feel like i should be ridiculously angry at you because that tends to be what i do in these situations. But I don’t really want to be angry because that would just be inconvenient for everyone…
Mark: ‘You need to be angry I think, even if it ends up with us not being friends.’
Me: ‘I want to be angry, but i don’t want to not end up being friends with you because i see you like every day and you’d just get ridiculously annoying.’
Mark: ‘yeah but if you aren’t angry then surely you’re going to keep the anger inside and secretly hate me…which is surely worse.’
Me: ‘I secretly hate lots of people. Basically you’re saying we shouldn’t be friends then yeah? Argh! You’re a cunt and a shit friend.’
Mark: ‘Yeah’
Me: ‘but I’m going to be nice and not hate you.’
Mark: ‘or just have a go at me.’
Me: ‘no, because you don’t give a shit and it will have no effect on you whatsoever. So there’s no point.’
Some time later
Me: ‘and you don’t even reply which proves me whole sodding point.’
Mark: ‘what do you want me to say?’
Me: ‘I want you to be a less shit friend if you want to be friends. Do you think you’re actually capable of doing that?’
Mark: ‘yes.’
Me: ‘Then be better. Stop not caring. Because it doesn’t work like that.’
So now we’re friends. Just friends. Even if I do constantly catch him staring and glancing at me in an ‘ohhh I really want you’ kind of way. Which is slowly killing me inside. And even if I have to see him every day and try not to jump his bones. I’m going for the dignified stance, to his face of course… you lucky things get to read about the real action up in ma brainz.
So this has been fun, putting off telling you all of this has been my last glimmer of hope of being with Mark. I don't know why I still want him, after what he said and did. Even if we were just friends at the time, it would still have been a huge stab in the back. Dark and Twisty is the new Happy...
Mark: ‘I just think that this is too difficult and complicated.’
Me: ‘and you don’t think it’s worth it?’
Mark: ‘no i just don’t think we will ever make it easy.’
Me: ‘it’s not meant to be easy! You know what, i think you’re just scared. Because you know that this was actually going somewhere...’
Some time later.
Me: ‘what do you actually want Mark? Because you’re not actually saying anything…’
Mark: ‘that’s because i don’t want to say it.’
Me: ‘then don’t. You blatantly don’t want to do this if you can’t even say it’
Mark: ‘I don’t want to say it because i don’t want you to hate me.’
Me: ‘I’m not going to hate you, you’re one of my best friends. How could i hate you? Just stop pissing about, if you honestly mean it then say it.’
Mark: ‘Alright. I’ve said that I don’t see how this can work, it’s too complicated and it’s too hard and i want things to go back to how they were before ben left when we were just friends. Because i don’t want to lose you completely.
Me: ‘Ok’
Mark: ‘I just can’t keep doing this’
Me: ‘Ok.’
So I’m back to being dark and twisty, bitter and dejected, miserable and angry. Hatin’ on everything and everyone that seems vaguely happy or in love. I was on the tube last time I was truly dark and twisty, when I realised after about 5 straight minutes of staring I was in fact staring quite ghoulishly at a couple on a date. The girl was beautifully happy, a rose in her hand, something out of a romcom. The guy was attentive, to him there was nothing, nothing but her. Complete and utter infatuation. I wished i had that, and wished they didn’t. I hadn’t posted before today for 6 weeks, when all this was kicking off. It’s because in blog world I was still happy, with Mark.
He came to my New Year’s Eve party, I asked him to come. Not so I could try and get with him or anything, but because I preferred him to come as my friend than not at all. This didn’t work out as well I thought it would though, of course I thought things would work out. They always do with me and Mark. But they really didn’t. Frog (the fuck it month companion) locked us in my room together and wouldn’t let us out until we talked things over. It was over. She let Mark out, I locked myself in. Overcome by everything, I shut the door, sat on my bed and cried. A sudden glorious desperation washed over me, I was alone. In a very melodramatic manner. Very similar to this:
Some time later.
Me: Don’t worry, after the whole Little Double Slut thing I now truly understand that you don’t care.
Mark: ‘loving how low an opinion you have of me.’
Me: ‘I can’t really think the best of you right now tbh. It’s weird, i feel like i should be ridiculously angry at you because that tends to be what i do in these situations. But I don’t really want to be angry because that would just be inconvenient for everyone…
Mark: ‘You need to be angry I think, even if it ends up with us not being friends.’
Me: ‘I want to be angry, but i don’t want to not end up being friends with you because i see you like every day and you’d just get ridiculously annoying.’
Mark: ‘yeah but if you aren’t angry then surely you’re going to keep the anger inside and secretly hate me…which is surely worse.’
Me: ‘I secretly hate lots of people. Basically you’re saying we shouldn’t be friends then yeah? Argh! You’re a cunt and a shit friend.’
Mark: ‘Yeah’
Me: ‘but I’m going to be nice and not hate you.’
Mark: ‘or just have a go at me.’
Me: ‘no, because you don’t give a shit and it will have no effect on you whatsoever. So there’s no point.’
Some time later
Me: ‘and you don’t even reply which proves me whole sodding point.’
Mark: ‘what do you want me to say?’
Me: ‘I want you to be a less shit friend if you want to be friends. Do you think you’re actually capable of doing that?’
Mark: ‘yes.’
Me: ‘Then be better. Stop not caring. Because it doesn’t work like that.’
So now we’re friends. Just friends. Even if I do constantly catch him staring and glancing at me in an ‘ohhh I really want you’ kind of way. Which is slowly killing me inside. And even if I have to see him every day and try not to jump his bones. I’m going for the dignified stance, to his face of course… you lucky things get to read about the real action up in ma brainz.
So this has been fun, putting off telling you all of this has been my last glimmer of hope of being with Mark. I don't know why I still want him, after what he said and did. Even if we were just friends at the time, it would still have been a huge stab in the back. Dark and Twisty is the new Happy...
And this is my new mantra.
xAx
You don't have to be celibate for me.
ReplyDeleteJust realize that God owns your body.
There are two types:
1. Primary vaginismus - oops, she has a nun's vagina. Violating a nun's vagina is immoral.
2. Secondary vaginismus - happens usually after giving birth or menopause. It means God doesn't want you to make MORE kids. A natural birth control.
It is the answer to overpopulation. Sex is not for everyone. Some are unfit for sex.
There was one episode in the Tyra Banks show, May 19, 2009. A woman named Kelsie had level 4 Primary Vaginismus. Yet she got pregnant.
How did she get pregnant? Here’s how it went:
She said she was under heavy medication while her husband had “sex” with her. She said her mind was OUT OF IT when the intercourse happened.
For me, that is BORDERLINE RAPE. Their baby is a product of RAPE.
I am a man but I think it is almost criminal and immoral to completely disregard a woman’s feelings (or lack of it) during intercourse.
If a woman stills tries to FORCE HERSELF to do it in spite the pain, she has no self respect, no self esteem. Because to her, sex is just an obligation to please another and not an expression of MUTUAL affection/pleasure.
Sex involves mutual affection/consent. It should please both of them.
If not, then it is considered RAPE.
If she can’t become a nun, she should at least be celibate.
It will END her misery. She just went astray by getting married.
Sex is not for everyone.
Yes, a woman can get pregnant without intercourse. That seems artificial. I don’t know how God would feel about that.
I am not a Bible fan. Nuns are not mentioned in the Bible either.
I am just MODERATELY AGNOSTIC but thinks that God has reasons for everything.
Vaginismus may be the strongest evidence that God exist. Some HIGHER POWER can manipulate a woman’s body.
Married Virgins are laughable. I think they should divorce. HAHAHA. I LAUGH SO HARD THAT MY TESTICLES HURT. OUCH!!!
I am a man who believes in WOMEN'S RIGHTS. Without women's rights, women would still be treated as baby factories instead of human beings with choices.
If a woman has a right to say NO to sex, then so does her VAGINA. She should respect her VAGINAL RIGHTS. They are:
1.) Vagina's right to refuse sex.
2.) Vagina's right to self-pleasure
3.) Vagina's right to self-lubricate.
If a woman has Prime Vaginismus, it means her VAGINA is refusing sex. It's God's form of BIRTH CONTROL.
Most humans are genetically designed to learn how to masturbate. Masturbation teaches them to be sexually self-aware. But some, particularly women, have limited or no masturbation skills and end up having Vaginismus or tough Hymen. Because God forbids them to learn about sex to control the population. Some women do not own their bodies because God owns them.
You are sick in the head.
ReplyDeleteIf you are not a God fanatic then how do you know what he OR SHE! would want?!
For all you know God could be a woman!
Or have you considered the possibility that there is NO GOD and that you have psychological problems?
Seriously, what is your problem?!
Here is a 17 year old girl trying to reach out to others and help them get through this by going through everything herself.
How can you say that she is NOT ALLOWED to have sex?!
You just contradicted all the crap you said about women's rights!
You sick freak.
Proud of you, A! Keep blogging!
thank you for your support anonymous person! you dont know how much it means to me to know that people are actually reading this :)
ReplyDeleteMaypaki darling, thanks for taking my advice and posting something new and exciting rather than just the same speech about me being a nun or something. And i'm lolling at the part about Tyra Banks so hard.
I think 'MODERATELY AGNOSTIC' is a bit of an understatement love...
Maybe write a cheeky lil entry on your blog for us to ridicule and just generally tear to pieces? Or if youre not up for that, maybe just make your comments a bit more condensed? I could have spent the time i spent reading that CWAZY comment doing something more productive, like having sex. or masturbating. x
Here's something condensed:
ReplyDeleteWomen with Primary Vaginismus can still enjoy intercourse but ONLY IN THEIR DREAMS. In reality, they just can't because it is too damn painful for them.
They masturbate by just rubbing their clitoris but they always avoid vaginal insertion. Because they're scared of their own fingers (or anything).
FYI: Sex is a desire, a craving and a WANT. It is not a chore to please another. It is NOT just about him, it's about YOU too.
One probable cause of Primary Vaginismus (other than sexual abuse) is a woman's ignorance of her own sexuality.
There are some girls who didn't know they had a clitoris until they become teenagers. There are those who masturbate later in life (age 15-26), but orgasm much LATER. Hence they are DUMB about their own bodies. But other girls are DUMBER than that. Because SEXUAL IGNORANCE is God's gift to a woman who is meant to be sexless for the purpose of birth control.
So you are telling this girl that she cannot make a family just because it hurts and when she could get over it with surgery or other medical help? If you were female you would realise that if God meant for this girl to be celibate so that she couldn't reproduce he would have got rid of her urges and need for sexual activity. It is not logical to think that God would just get rid of her ability to do it. Why wouldn't he just make her baron? Fool!
ReplyDeleteAlso plenty of women with Vaginismus can enjoy sex with help. They should not and do not have to throw away their love lives and wishes for a family and join a life of boredom in the form of a nunnery (which is a pointless existence due to the fact that God does not exist).
Maypaki
ReplyDeleteYou obviously have never felt the warmth and passion of sex, maybe your penis is so small that it doesn't allow for you to have penerative sex, is that God's way of keeping you celibate?
Many thanks
HAHAHA. I am a man in my late 20s who believes that sex is NOT a necessity. Sex is just a choice.
ReplyDeleteIf I am satisfied with masturbation, then I DO NOT need sex.Unsafe sex can cause the following:
1.)STD /HIV
2.)Hurting women with Vaginismus
Masturbation is enough to keep me satisfied. Because Condoms may break and pills can have side effects.
Believe it or not, there are some girls who are DUMB about their own sex organs.
Just watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6Qy2xQ1trA
In 0:48, one girl said: "My mom sat me down and we talked about sex. When she told me that it was a penis going inside a vagina, I WAS SHOCKED. I though that sounded SO GROSS. And I didn't know that I had an opening there."
-Maybe you are one of those DUMB girls.
I found this news article. This is a global problem and I think people with sexual dysfunction can help.
This news article is about the DRAMATIC DECLINE of Catholic NUNS and MONKS worldwide.
To read that article, go to http://www.tldm.org/News11/DevastatingDeclineReligiousOrders.htm
If the Church would just search and recruit all WOMEN with Primary Vaginismus and all MEN with Early Impotence, then such problem is SOLVED. The result may be an increase in NUNS & MONKS worldwide.
What do you think will be the possible estimated increase?
There are women who are nuns by choice.
There are women who are nuns by destiny.
There are two types of God's birth control:
1.) Vaginismus
2.) Having a Thick Hymen
SHUT UP MAYPAKI, YOU ARE SO REPRESSED.
ReplyDeletei suggest you have sex as soon as possible.
Why would I be repressed?
ReplyDeleteI have the right equipments to please myself such as:
1.) hands
2.) FLESH light
3.) porn
4.) imagination
Masturbation is safer than sex. That is my personal choice.
Primary Vaginismus = Nun's Vagina or Celibacy
Intercourse is not for her.
What a material of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious know-how regarding
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Primary Vaginismus.
ReplyDeleteIf you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.
It is God's way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
Or be CELIBATE.
That's because it is God's way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don't realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.
Trying to remedy your condition is against God's will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If your a woman, don't get married & don't have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
FACE IT! You have a NUN'S VAGINA.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.
VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.
I am now an enlightened man.