As I’m sat here writing this I feel very little. I don’t feel sad that a huge part of my life is over. I don’t feel relieved that all the pain, confusion and heartache is over.
I do however feel scared. Terrified in fact.
Every time I give in and think about Ben I just become overwhelmingly scared that vaginismus is going to stop me from moving on. Like from now on my love life is just going to be some backwards walk because I’ll always be thinking ‘what if people find out the thing I’ve spent two years hiding?’.
I feel abandoned by Ben. And jealous that I can’t just up and leave this fucking curse behind like he can. On our last night together I gave in to my stupid thoughts, I asked him if he thought it would be a bad idea to casually see each other when he comes back. Here’s how this conversation went:
“so you say you’re never going to have sex ever again?”
“If i can help it, what’s the point if there’s the risk of people finding out about it… then no one will want to have sex with me anyway... what’s going to happen between us when you come back?”
“I’m not going to be back for a long time ya know, like... December.”
Long, long pause.
“well what would you say to seeing each other when you get back?”
“I don’t know, wouldn’t that be just really weird and a bit… awkward?”
“oh… ok, don’t worry, forget I said anything about it.”
“well I’m not saying no.”
Relieved and slightly embarrassed laugh.
“I glad you’re not saying no”.
So yeah, that’s all I can remember of that really. I waved him off Saturday morning, which was horrible. As he left he said he’d text me Saturday evening once he’d settled in.
He didn’t.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in December, but I doubt it’s going to be any sort of magical reunion like in the excessive amounts of American dramas that I watch to avoid dealing with my own issues.
So on second thought, I’m still not feeling much; but I’m thinking a lot. About everything.
I might be going to visit Joe during his Fresher’s Week next Friday with Kat. I think a one week rebound turnover is respectableish and if I end up in a scenario in which I attempt drunk sex with a horny Fresher… at least I can blame it on the alcohol and then leave promptly in the morning.
More to come soon I'm sure.
xAx
I do however feel scared. Terrified in fact.
Every time I give in and think about Ben I just become overwhelmingly scared that vaginismus is going to stop me from moving on. Like from now on my love life is just going to be some backwards walk because I’ll always be thinking ‘what if people find out the thing I’ve spent two years hiding?’.
I feel abandoned by Ben. And jealous that I can’t just up and leave this fucking curse behind like he can. On our last night together I gave in to my stupid thoughts, I asked him if he thought it would be a bad idea to casually see each other when he comes back. Here’s how this conversation went:
“so you say you’re never going to have sex ever again?”
“If i can help it, what’s the point if there’s the risk of people finding out about it… then no one will want to have sex with me anyway... what’s going to happen between us when you come back?”
“I’m not going to be back for a long time ya know, like... December.”
Long, long pause.
“well what would you say to seeing each other when you get back?”
“I don’t know, wouldn’t that be just really weird and a bit… awkward?”
“oh… ok, don’t worry, forget I said anything about it.”
“well I’m not saying no.”
Relieved and slightly embarrassed laugh.
“I glad you’re not saying no”.
So yeah, that’s all I can remember of that really. I waved him off Saturday morning, which was horrible. As he left he said he’d text me Saturday evening once he’d settled in.
He didn’t.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in December, but I doubt it’s going to be any sort of magical reunion like in the excessive amounts of American dramas that I watch to avoid dealing with my own issues.
So on second thought, I’m still not feeling much; but I’m thinking a lot. About everything.
I might be going to visit Joe during his Fresher’s Week next Friday with Kat. I think a one week rebound turnover is respectableish and if I end up in a scenario in which I attempt drunk sex with a horny Fresher… at least I can blame it on the alcohol and then leave promptly in the morning.
More to come soon I'm sure.
xAx
Primary Vaginismus.
ReplyDeleteIf you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.
It is God's way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
Or be CELIBATE.
That's because it is God's way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don't realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.
Trying to remedy your condition is against God's will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If your a woman, don't get married & don't have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
FACE IT! You have a NUN'S VAGINA.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.
VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.
I am now an enlightened man.