To Party Poop?

I’m not the sad girl at the party, I never have been. I tend to think girl’s that cry at parties WANT to be seen crying. And it’s just stupid.

Here’s the thing; Ben is leaving Saturday morning, my friend’s 18th is Saturday night. Fuck.

This could go one of many ways:

• I go to the party, be unexciting, unapproachable, unfriendly, just generally unfun.

• I go to the party, with a bottle of Malibu, get wasted, rebound, become a slag for the evening.

• I don’t go to the party, instead I sit at home and watch 500 Days of Summer and cry until I pass out from dehydration.

What does one do in a situation in which one feels the need to get wrecked but don’t want to do something one will regret, especially the same day that Ben leaves.

This may seem a bit disjointed but it leads me to my main point: how long do you have to wait til you’re allowed to have a drunken rebound? I’ve written before about vaginismus stopping me from sleeping around, and due to the curse of the rebellious vagina I consider snogging just as reboundey as shagging; except there’s less risk of embarrassing ‘errmmm… why doesn’t It fit..?’ situations.

But I want to go CRAZY, OFF MY HEAD, OFF MY FACE, OFF MY FUCKING ROCKET.

I think Ben wants to stay ‘in touch’, and by ‘in touch’ if pretty sure he means ‘let’s casually get together for lots of sex when I get back from uni’. I REALLY want to do this, which I think is why I shouldn’t. I was the one that wanted to be casual when we first got together, but I got swept up into the whirlwind of niceness of a new relationship and couldn’t keep my feelings off him. So to speak. So I’d be good at casual, if this was the beginning of a new relationship. I wouldn’t get emotionally attached if he lives in Cambridge. But it’s Ben. My Ben. Which is why I want to and which is why shouldn’t.

Oh but I really want to.

Using him for practicing sex would be the only plus in this, but I don’t want to be seen as the girl who doesn’t move on because ‘oh my ex is coming back next weekend and we’re gonna arrange to meet up, I think.’ NO. Not happening.

That song by Katy Perry "Thinking of You" is just what I need to represent what I think my future situation is going to be. Not wanting to move on because Ben has me on the hook. But rebounding anyway, because let’s face it I like attention and will need distraction.

“What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night”

This thought process is going to have me in a dilemma on Saturday. What the hell do I do?

Do I go? Or should I snuggle up with myself, Ben and Jerry and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

HOW ARE YOU SO FUCKIN SEXY?!

xAx

T Minus 21 Days...

Abuse me, use me, just shut up and do me.

I want some really good sex, mind blowing sex. Orgasmic sex, sex where you don’t care about anything else; not your body, not your morals, not your mind. Nothing. Nothing everything sex.

Sadly I can’t have that, I have ‘ok this isn’t TOO painful this time... oh wait, am I crying?’ sex. But I need to take advantage of this sex, because it’ll soon be over. Ben and I are breaking up in 3 weeks, he’s off to uni and I’ve always gone with the ‘always go to uni single’ mindset, it’s hard to go back on that.

The thing is I don't know what to do about ben now. Well it's more like I don't know what to do without ben. He helped me overcome most of my vaginismus and is still helping. The problem is that he's leaving for university at the end of September (that’s 3 weeks guys) giving me very little time to perfect enjoying sex. Because that's the issue I'm facing atm, penetration is ok, he's able to orgasm... But I'm not. I don't enjoy having sex. It's still painful to a certain degree so we do take it easy, but to be honest I wanted him to be able to enjoy sex first of all, I kind of felt I owed him that, and I have quite a high pain threshold, even when it hurts like a thousand sons of bitches. Of course I enjoy the whole rough and tumble of it all and the foreplay is still great and always has been. But sex, the grand finale, the big o, the full monty, meh.

I dont know what to think about this, because who knows, it could just be Ben's bad at sex? We were both virgins when we met, so it's not like he's anymore experienced than I am. So what is it? Is it possible to actually have an orgasm during sex with vaginismus?
This question that’s been tearing up my brain for several weeks leads me onto the thoughts I've currently been having. I suppose it's similar to when you've come out of a long term relationship: How do I start seeing other people?! The upside of having a rebellious vagina means that I'm never going to sleep around. But after coming out of a 2 year relationship that I don't really want to end; I'm going to be in need of alcohol and rebounds.
The pressure of teenage culture nowadays means that most guys think just snogging someone isn't sodding enough! If you're single with vaginismus, serious respect. It must be stressful, horrible. A distressing playingfield that I'm unwillingly going to be thrown into very soon. So yes, only 3 weeks until ben leaves to go have lots of successful stranger rebound sex at freshers week, without having to think 'did I pack the lube?', whilst I'm left here, with no one to even try to shag. Great. Cheers babes.

xAx