Sexy Bitch

I’m just gonna throw this out there; I think I’m losing my Mojo, I feel like an absolute prat. People in the past have called me sexy and I would say I’m quite good at the whole casual flick-the-hair-use-the-hips-touch-the-arm-smile-and-laugh flirting, but Christ am I bad at trying to be sexy.
I think it might be Cas that has brought this into the spotlight, I feel a bit weird text flirting (no, I’m not going to say SEXTING) with him. I’ve been thinking about this for a few days, ever since I had to text him to actually APOLOGISE for my flirting. It was that awful.

So I’ve decided this sudden disability has come about because of two reasons. First this:

1. He gives better than he gets, Cas is a very good flirter. A pace which I cannot keep up with.

But mainly this reason:

2. Cas knows about V, therefore anything I say regarding sex is a blatant LIE. And we both know

it.

(3. Oh and a secret third reason, I don't look sexy in photos. I try for this:

I end up looking like this:

)

I can’t describe how nice it is to live in a lie which allows me to pretend that I’m this uber sexy goddess who knows her way around the male form the way I know my way around a Malibu and Diet Coke. But actually, if you’re reading this and don’t suffer from the self-esteem crushing torment of Vaginismus, you probably already know what it is like. Sexy Cunts.

Would it just be better for my confidence to start paying more attention to the ‘Ignorants’ and less to the people that are knowledgeable of the condition? As luck would have it the majority of my Sixth Form are Ignorants, but personally I think I’ve exasperated all the vaguely good looking singles. Such as the Marine; whom I haven’t introduced to you yet, partly because he’s not particularly relevant to any of my rants or anecdotes. And second-partly because by the second time I snogged him I realised that there is a direct correlation between his rating on the snogging scale and the amount of alcohol in my system. The Marine was a bit of dark horse too, as he has a tendency to tell girls whatever they need to hear to get them to get with him (such as ‘yeah the guy who really fancies you, who’s feelings would get hurt if he saw you snogging me has left, can we get together now?’ when said guy is standing in full view.) subsequently he has been named after the Marine’s Battalion ‘Dark Horse’ with the motto ‘Get Some’. Silly Marine.

Anyway back to me: HELP. How do I, in the words of the Sugababes, ‘Get Sexy’?

I think I need to get back in the gym, buy some stockings and lacey undies, dilate like crazy and wear nothing but heels on my feet. Maybe I can force allure onto myself. Any tips and tricks from you sexy fakers out there would be welcomed with a parade of confetti.

Trying my best to Stay Sexy

xAx

Who Has To Know?

Cheating has been plaguing my mind recently. Maybe I’ve started to think that the shittyness I’ve put up with the last few months has been because of my own past discrepancies.( I’ll get to a few of these later)
Karma for the excitement seekers. Dirty little secrets are messy little things.

Now don’t go thinking I’m a massive relationship ruining pro-adulterous slut, I have a rule with cheating; happily ruin your own relationships, but do not knowingly ruin other people’s.

In my experience it is often the case that you can be in a relationship for the comfort and familiarity but also be seeking the excitement and butterflies of something new and daring.

We treasure these two feelings, no matter how much they clash. You pass the lust stage of the relationship; it slowly morphs into a slow, soothing kind of feeling. I’ve been told that this is love.

What if you can’t keep these two feelings? Good relationships are said to have both, but what if they don’t? Does that mean you should end the love for the lust? I did not, I ended mixing the two. A swirly cocktail of drunken romps at the bottoms of gardens then returning home to my beloved, safe and sound.

The problem I found with having a parallel world of debauchery, desire and dirty little secrets is that it’s hard to keep that world separate from reality of family dinners, going to the cinema and spending sober nights in. I’m not saying this is necessarily a bad reality. Often it’s quite a nice little relationship bubble. I’m just saying that having a dirty mistress allows for thrill; we thrive on thrill, and hormones, don’t forget the hormones. Even if you’re not in a relationship, the thrill is still there. Dirty little secrets make the world go round, they keep us going. And coming.

My brief mistress was Charlie (named this because he looked like a fit version of Charlie Simpson from Busted); bloody gorgeous, head boy, rugby build and a shocking amount in common with me. I met him before I met Ben, and was doing all that texting/flirting/snogging lark with both of them for about two months. Then things started getting a bit more serious with Ben; who had the upper hand of being in the same friend groups and just generally being around a lot more. So I stopped talking to Charlie as much…without much explanation… to be honest it was a bit of a shitty thing to do, but he turned out to be a prick anyway, so I feel less bad now! But I feel like some thought should be given to the mistresses themselves; whether it’s a one night thing or a prolonged fling it’s probably just as hard on the mistress as it is on anyone else... Charlie, at every opportunity, jumped on the ‘dump Ben for me’ wagon, always trying seduce me in drunken states. It worked once, I won’t get into that bit though, but it was exciting; and when it comes to guys, I enjoy the attention more than I love the love itself. Charlie wanted me, Ben was content. I’m not trying to justify my actions, I personally think it was an awful thing for me to do to Ben. But when someone adores you like Charlie made me believe he did, and your laced with blends of Vodka and Lambrini, it’s incredibly hard to resist. No matter which way your moral compass points.

My friend, who shall remain nameless, can be put into this category; she was a dirty mistress, but still an amazing person. The things we do for lust. In her case it turned into a one sided and destructive love, with emotionally destructive set of consequences:

“Well, it’s fun, but it’s not. It’s awful at the same time; the fact that they’re always going to go back to someone else is what’s not fun. And that they prefer the other person. It’s always on their terms, the cheater is in charge. But the very worst thing is when the mistress actually really likes the cheater, I think in most cases it means more to the mistress than the other person. Well, in my case it does definitely.”

So we all tend to go straight to the ‘what a slut’ perspective when we hear about friends being cheated on, spouse’s having affairs or discovering our boyfriend’s secret lover. I’m not exempting myself from this; Little Double Slut is still a Little Double Slut, I still confuse myself when trying to figure out what I was doing with Charlie and still feel a huge surge of guilt when anyone mentions cheating.

Me: I don’t know whether you’ve been hearing the same rumours as me, but I’m not going to start on you at [insert mate’s name]’s party. I was actually going to thank you for making me realise what a prick Mark is before I got in too deep with him; he knew exactly who you were and exactly what you meant to me and got with you anyway, so it’s probably a good thing that we completely ended because of it. I also wanted to apologise for all the abuse you were getting, you didn’t know Ben had a girlfriend and it was his fault for not telling you that.

I was planning on saying this to you on Friday, but I’m not sure if I’m going now, I just thought considering I’m moving on from both disasters that were Ben and Mark I might as well at least attempt to clear the air with you.


Little Double Slut: Thank you for understanding. I am sorry about what happened, I didn't intentionally mean to hurt you, and honestly didn't know about your situation with either of them. The abuse was inevitable really, i get your friends would hate me; you have no need to apologise. And well if that's right I'm sorry he used me to try and hurt you. I’m really sorry for the trouble I caused!

So yes, do feel pity for the ‘what a slut’s of the world; they are sluts, but some of them aren’t bad people. They shouldn’t be treated like bad people because they made a bad call, no matter how twatty it was.

Unless they are just doing it to deliberately piss you off; in that case, break their fucking legs.

xAx

OMVG!

In sixth form, secrecy is scarce. Everyone knows everything about everyone. This is mainly because we’re just a massive bunch of hormonally charged and horny sex seekers, looking for a quick thrill whether through doing the deeds ourselves or gossiping about someone else’s. In the close quarters of a mixed sex sixth form; gossip makes the world go round.

My shiny new secret isn’t just an abstract noun, it's a person. And it's all very exciting.

SIDE NOTE: For anonymity’s sake; I’m going to start using a naming system for guys I’m remotely involved with from now on. SIDE NOTE OVER.

The person in question shall hereby be named Casanova, Cas for short, because during one of his most recent visits under the coat of darkness he answered “more than 10 but less than 15. It tends to be if I’m into a girl and feel like she’s into me, it eventually always happens” to the age old question ‘how many people have you slept with?’ it reminded me off the flamboyant Venetian Giacomo Casanova, who took pride in his scandalous conquests, much like Cas.

Now at this point you’re probably thinking WTF are you doing A?! but Cas has actually become one of my closest guy mates in recent months, he was always there to begin with, he’s merely ranking a bit higher recently. I was close enough with him before anything happened to tell him about the blog and V, so the pressure is completely off, but on the other hand I can’t be as shockingly blunt and honest about him as I’d like… Because he’s probably reading this right now, hi Cas. I don’t think I’ll tell any other guy mates just in case I end up attempting to sleep with them…

It does get to a point where I feel like I’m lying to some people though. I suppose it’s quite a good measure of friendship; if I feel comfortable enough and trust a person enough to let them into my little bloggy world. Plus it’s always nice to have a guaranteed new reader!

So anyway, where was I? Oh right, Cas just left. I think our newly formed arrangement is quite good really. I won’t go into the full details just yet but he basically offered to be my new human dilator. Now, I’m not an idiot, I know he just wants to sleep with me, but to be honest; I just to want sleep with him too. Is that too much to ask?!

I’m currently hand writing this entry for the first time in yonks, feeling inspired by Cas’ most recent visit. You know what though? I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about this excitement has had me in such a good mood recently, maybe it’s the endorphins or something, spiking to the ceiling. I can’t stop, but don’t get me wrong dear reader; I’m not falling for him, just enjoying him.

That’s all for now.

Stay Secret

xAx

Get Happy

It’s been a gruelling month of disappointment, exams and sobriety. The three things any average 18 year old despises. The soundtrack to the last 31 days would involve a lot of Cat Power, The Fray and the darker Florence and the Machine tracks...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_eOmvM-4zc

/////wrists


Yeeeeah... anyway...
I’m currently taking part in a mass Fuck It Month with 4 other people (more to come on this), complementing my downward spiral by fuelling it with absinthe and acting/dressing like a whore. Oddly, it seems to be doing me more good than harm. I don’t know why, it might have opened my eyes a bit, and shown me that there are more important things than having someone to text until the early hours of the morning. I never thought I was particularly dependent on a guy making me happy and I’m still not suggesting that, but I think it happens to all of us to some extent after you’ve been used to having that person to lean on. No matter how long we’ve been leaning on them. When we don’t have that person who has the power to make or break our day, it gets a bit dull. To a lesser extent this could also include just having someone to flirt with; simply making you feel good about yourself, even if there’s no attachment there; no reality to lean on.

Now it’s time to be happier. To live with what I’ve ended up with. Open my eyes and actually start doing things rather than moping about how shit they’d gotten. And even if it still kills me to see Mark every fucking day; I need to move on. So I’m going to, right now. And believe me when I say, I’m the only person who’s going to making and breaking days from now on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP_jsy6Trrc&feature=fvwrel

Stay Sexy

xAx

Looky what I found darlings

http://www.channel4embarrassingillnesses.com/conditions/vaginismus/
xAx

Part 2 - The end where we begin

It is a sickly moment of dark surprise when you discover a loved one has done something you previously believed they weren’t capable of. Whether it is dread, jealously or pain that overcomes you, it is the next moments of silent disbelief that make us all the same.

Mark: ‘I just think that this is too difficult and complicated.’

Me: ‘and you don’t think it’s worth it?’

Mark: ‘no i just don’t think we will ever make it easy.’

Me: ‘it’s not meant to be easy! You know what, i think you’re just scared. Because you know that this was actually going somewhere...’

Some time later.

Me: ‘what do you actually want Mark? Because you’re not actually saying anything…’

Mark: ‘that’s because i don’t want to say it.’

Me: ‘then don’t. You blatantly don’t want to do this if you can’t even say it’

Mark: ‘I don’t want to say it because i don’t want you to hate me.’

Me: ‘I’m not going to hate you, you’re one of my best friends. How could i hate you? Just stop pissing about, if you honestly mean it then say it.’

Mark: ‘Alright. I’ve said that I don’t see how this can work, it’s too complicated and it’s too hard and i want things to go back to how they were before ben left when we were just friends. Because i don’t want to lose you completely.

Me: ‘Ok’

Mark: ‘I just can’t keep doing this’

Me: ‘Ok.’

So I’m back to being dark and twisty, bitter and dejected, miserable and angry. Hatin’ on everything and everyone that seems vaguely happy or in love. I was on the tube last time I was truly dark and twisty, when I realised after about 5 straight minutes of staring I was in fact staring quite ghoulishly at a couple on a date. The girl was beautifully happy, a rose in her hand, something out of a romcom. The guy was attentive, to him there was nothing, nothing but her. Complete and utter infatuation. I wished i had that, and wished they didn’t. I hadn’t posted before today for 6 weeks, when all this was kicking off. It’s because in blog world I was still happy, with Mark.

He came to my New Year’s Eve party, I asked him to come. Not so I could try and get with him or anything, but because I preferred him to come as my friend than not at all. This didn’t work out as well I thought it would though, of course I thought things would work out. They always do with me and Mark. But they really didn’t. Frog (the fuck it month companion) locked us in my room together and wouldn’t let us out until we talked things over. It was over. She let Mark out, I locked myself in. Overcome by everything, I shut the door, sat on my bed and cried. A sudden glorious desperation washed over me, I was alone. In a very melodramatic manner. Very similar to this:

Some time later.

Me: Don’t worry, after the whole Little Double Slut thing I now truly understand that you don’t care.

Mark: ‘loving how low an opinion you have of me.’

Me: ‘I can’t really think the best of you right now tbh. It’s weird, i feel like i should be ridiculously angry at you because that tends to be what i do in these situations. But I don’t really want to be angry because that would just be inconvenient for everyone…

Mark: ‘You need to be angry I think, even if it ends up with us not being friends.’

Me: ‘I want to be angry, but i don’t want to not end up being friends with you because i see you like every day and you’d just get ridiculously annoying.’

Mark: ‘yeah but if you aren’t angry then surely you’re going to keep the anger inside and secretly hate me…which is surely worse.’

Me: ‘I secretly hate lots of people. Basically you’re saying we shouldn’t be friends then yeah? Argh! You’re a cunt and a shit friend.’

Mark: ‘Yeah’

Me: ‘but I’m going to be nice and not hate you.’

Mark: ‘or just have a go at me.’

Me: ‘no, because you don’t give a shit and it will have no effect on you whatsoever. So there’s no point.’

Some time later

Me: ‘and you don’t even reply which proves me whole sodding point.’

Mark: ‘what do you want me to say?’

Me: ‘I want you to be a less shit friend if you want to be friends. Do you think you’re actually capable of doing that?’

Mark: ‘yes.’

Me: ‘Then be better. Stop not caring. Because it doesn’t work like that.’

So now we’re friends. Just friends. Even if I do constantly catch him staring and glancing at me in an ‘ohhh I really want you’ kind of way. Which is slowly killing me inside. And even if I have to see him every day and try not to jump his bones. I’m going for the dignified stance, to his face of course… you lucky things get to read about the real action up in ma brainz.

So this has been fun, putting off telling you all of this has been my last glimmer of hope of being with Mark. I don't know why I still want him, after what he said and did. Even if we were just friends at the time, it would still have been a huge stab in the back. Dark and Twisty is the new Happy...

And this is my new mantra.

xAx

Part 1 - Did you get everything you wanted?

I had an amazing Christmas and New Year, and it was mainly due to Mark. He came round on boxing day and met my extended family, who loved him and have raved about him ever since. I’m really starting to fall for this one. Kat says since I’ve gotten over Ben and let Mark in I’ve become more loving, just in general. We spent cold evenings together in a coupley fashion, curled up for warmth and New Year’s Eve we had crazy drunk sex; kicking off the new year just the way I wanted it; with him.

All you have read so far is a lie. Apart from the thing Kat said. The recent events of my life can only be described as unfortunate.

Mark: 'i want to apologise, because its like thats what im expected to do, and what i should do. This is going to make me seem like even more of a complete prick but you said that you didn't want to get in the way of me getting with girls and i swear that i didnt get with her deliberately to have an effect. I'm sorry that ive hurt you.

Me: 'you shouldnt apologise just because you're expected to.'

Mark: 'i'm not sorry for what i did, i'm sorry for hurting you, because i really didnt want to. Admittidly i didnt make a brilliant choice...'

Me: 'you made the worst choice possible.'

Mark: 'but we aren't going out and this may seem like a weak argument to you but you said, what, 2 weeks ago that i was allowed to get with people and surely if you felt this way then you shouldnt have said it.'

Me: 'I didn't mind when i thought it was some random girl, but this feels like really bad deja vu. Argh, it's so much worse than ben, because you were there when it happened the first time round. You know how much it killed me.'

Mark: 'that isn't why i did it.'

Me: 'then why did you? why did you get with her? out of every single person at that party. You have no idea how much i actually liked you.'

On Christmas Eve Mark told me that he cares about me, “but just not about us anymore”. Riiiight I thought, does this mean he wants to make things more casual again? I had no idea what it meant, but when I received a cute text from him Christmas morning (continuing onto a cute conversation lasting most of Christmas Day) I assumed this wasn’t the case, or he was just being pissy. But when he didn’t come round on Boxing Day evening to meet my extended family, who ended up not loving and raving about him because I didn’t bother mentioning him, I knew something was up.

Turns out something was most definitely up, on the evening of the 27th I received a text from him, who was at a party, saying “Oh dear x”, just that. He got with someone. Now obviously not having talked about moving onto anything serious with Mark, I wasn’t bothered about this. Then I discovered the identity of the girl. Let’s call her Little Double Slut, you may ask why Little Double Slut is called Little Double Slut; well ‘Little’ because she is 3 years younger than me and therefore through normal laws she is what we call ‘illegal’. ‘Slut’ because this is the girl that Ben cheated on me with. And finally ‘Double’ because Mark knew what the ‘Little’ and ‘Slut’ parts meant to me.

I was furious, I don’t think I have ever been that angry. The anger was magnified by the fact that I was at home in bed and not at this party. Consider this the bit where everything starts going a bit downhill.

Unfortunately, this anecdote is to be continued.

xAx