Closure

Thursday Evening/Friday Morning

“Please just let me leave” tears streaming down my face, I don’t think I even wanted to leave. I just didn’t want to stay with the Mark that I saw before me. The Mark pinning me to the floor, saying he wasn’t going to just let me go.

I’m still not fully sure how I got into this situation, but somehow I ended up going back to a friend’s house after a night out. Somehow I ended up with Mark; propped up on the kitchen counter in our underwear, passionately kissing, pushing himself up against me and whispering how much he wanted this.

“Why did you sleep with him, why did you have to sleep with Cas when we never did?” it shocked me seeing how upset he actually was about it. I told him it was different with him.

He clutched my wrists and pulled me closer to him, I bit his lip, his neck, his shoulder.

The whole thing was so ridiculously passionate, but both ends of the spectrum.

He told me he loved me, then a couple of hours later was telling me that that night was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. He told me he regretted everything, and you know what the worst thing was? I really really didn’t.

So there I was, half 7 in the morning, walking down the road, tear stained everything; with the Maccabees ‘Love You Better’ coming on shuffle at the most annoyingly appropriate time. I wandered down the street of silent houses, the occasional early bird and their cup of tea staring out the window at a girl wrapped in a nightdress, blazer and scarf holding herself for warmth in the sharp and bitter cold.  I had absolutely no idea what to think about anything that had gone on the past few hours; all I could do was walk. Walk and hope I would hear him running after me, shouting my name, spinning me round and kissing me, telling me it wasn’t a mistake. He did none of the above.

In fact he did nothing until Tuesday Morning back at school. After several long lingering stares between us he finally swallowed his pride and walked up to me; in a freakishly smiley manner.

“Hi!” he waved too. I just stared at him, I wasn’t sure whether he was being sarcastic or not, either way he wandered off fairly quickly and my eyes began to tear up again. I kept my composure and made a swift exit out of the common room. Thereafter I continued the day in a Mark Haze, which culminated in this:

Me: ‘I don’t know how to be around you…’

Mark: ‘Well I can’t really decide that for you’

Me: ‘You can at least tell me what you want me to do’

(Pathetic I know)

Mark: ‘Remember when you called Thursday night closure? Yeah, that’s actually quite a good word for it. It’s not that i hate you and never want to talk to you, but i know now that i don’t want anything more than friends. However I just can’t go from how close we were to nothing.

You’re probably going to come back and say I’m the one who acts like a cunt and doesn’t make the effort to talk to you, but when i do try and then you come back with "I’m not talking to you; you look too happy" and I’m probably not going to take that well and get pissed off with you.’

Me: ‘At least pretend to put more effort into being friends with me, and I’ll stop being a mentalist. Ok?’

Mark: ‘Did I actually do anything wrong today apart from being happy?’

Me: ‘It’s because you weren’t ridiculously uncomfortable after Thursday and I was. ‘

Mark: ‘Apart from anything you did say it was just one night’ (I do not remember this; however I’ve been told that we were having quite a deep and drunk conversation in a club before we left, so I probably did say that…) ‘and ok in the morning I was a cunt but I just don’t see why things should be awkward’

BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME THEN TOOK IT BACK YOU PRICK.

Me: ‘I don’t know, I honestly thought things had changed’

Mark: ‘Would you have preferred me to lie..? And not that this changes the fact that I was a cunt, but I was still drunk in the morning’

Me: ‘Yeah I thought you might have been.’

Mark: ’Look, if I didn’t want to be friends I wouldn’t be texting you. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t bother replying and I wouldn’t bother even trying like I did today’

Me: ‘This is going to sound awful but was that you trying?! Try again tomorrow and I’ll respond accordingly’

Mark: ‘I don’t have to if you don’t want me to’

Me: ‘I actually do want you to though. It’s so weird going from everything to nothing’

Mark: ‘You always make out like I don’t think the same. I want us to be friends but clearly that hasn’t gone well in the past…’

Me: ‘I don’t think it’s that, I think it’s me putting in a lot more effort to be friends than you. But yeah, what you said about me being mental etc. You have a point; I’ll stop being a bipolar angry/friendly person.’

Mark: ‘I think if I’d seen you again after trying to talk to you today though I would have been just as bad which would have made things worse which is why we don’t talk.’

Me: ‘Ok it seems to me that neither of us are very nice people, but we can’t keep being like that if we don’t want to lose each other to mentalcuntyness. We need to just both be nice and friendly. And if we do piss the other off, be civil and mature about it. Not pissy and bitchy. Deal?’

Mark: ‘Well pissy and bitchy are so much fun, but I suppose I can do that :)’

So there you have it, we were texting each other for the rest of the night and spent most of the next day together; kind of slipped back into the normal routine. It was pretty much exactly how we used to be, except this time it’s me who stares that little bit too long.

I’m still not entirely sure whether I believe closure is real. Friday morning I denied its existence, but by Wednesday when we said goodbye at the end of the day I was starting to think it is real.

And alike Karma, it’s a bitch.

xAx