I’m currently sat here waiting for my sexual fate to be handed to me. I feel like Dermot O’Leary is about to tell me whether I’ve made it to the Final. Cas likes someone. Possibly enough to stop sleeping with me. And making it even worse; she’s really really fit.
This threat of embargo began with Cas’ response to my invitation of a free house and lots of sex tomorrow night.
“Owwwhh this is all very nice but what about if/when it happens with me and The Fit Girl?” Obviously this girl is not actually called The Fit Girl; but she is not relevant enough to get an actual pseudonym. I do know her though, she’s a lovely girl and if I was a guy I totally would.
“I’m no other woman. If you want The Fit Girl more than me then I can’t stand in the way of that. If you actually LIKE her that is; because I’m fine with you just sleeping with her. You need to tell me if you actually like her though, because this thing is complicated and it isn’t fair on her to just be dragged into it.” Nice of me yeah? Stepping down despite this leading to consequences involving me going home to an empty bed and an unopened box of condoms.
“Yes yes I know, I’m meeting her tomorrow for a bit so I’ll be able to judge whether it’s going to go anywhere.” I think I’m being quite understanding of this whole issue him and his stupid penis-brain has thrust upon me. I don’t even know if he actually has feelings for The Fit Girl or he just wants to shag her. I can’t tell.
I realise when reading this you may interpret what I'm typing as simple jealously, and to be fair it is a bit, but it’s mainly my pride. Excuse the pun, but I like to be on top. I’d like to be the person that I’m getting with’s first choice. It is horrible being dropped for someone else, and being sat here feeling completely helpless about it does not help. The fresh wounds of the whole Mark and Little Double Slut thing were just starting to scab over, did I tell you they snogged at a random party? I think I announced it in a rage on Twitter a few weeks ago. They’ve been texting ever since. Mark really likes her. Brilliant.
The fact that there is no emotion there doesn’t help my cause either. Casanova seems to be wanting feelings and shit alongside the sex, which I am not currently in the position to give. I just can’t.
But no more sex? Do I pretend to have feelings for him to continue having sex? Is that just weird? That is just weird. And harsh. No, I can’t do that. I think deep down most people can’t handle sex without feelings; I honestly didn’t think I could. It’s worrying that I seem to have. And before you say it; yes I know I have an ATTACHMENT to him, but not feelings, not actual affection. I think this may be my problem with relationships; personally I don’t consider relationships to be about emotional and affection or even love. They are all about consistency. Cas is the closest thing I have to a relationship because I have consistently relied on him for sex, amusement and fun. Not lovey dovey crap. However I’m not sure how he feels about this sort of thing, not fully. It’s not fair on him to pretend I have the affection for him that he hints at possessing for me. Even if it is the easier option.
It’s just so frustrating having to start again, with someone new. Having to tell them everything. I don’t want Cas to feel obliged to sleep with me but it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy the experience. In fact he enjoyed it twice on Friday night! I don’t trust anyone else with my secret and all the other guys that know about the blog and my vaginismus are either exes, best friends or have long term girlfriends.
So here I am; waiting, listening to the Vaccines’ “Post Break Up Sex”, relating to the words as one always does in these ‘sit and reflect on your current situation’ situations. What else can I do..?
I have no dramatic Grey’s Anatomy style speeches to give to Cas. Only my stupid vagina, and it’s stupid problem to solve.
Pick me.
Choose me.
Fuck ME.
xAx
A small update:
Cas: that post is basically to me
Me: YEP
Cas: and I'm now in a horrible position. I hate you so much.
Me: YEP
Cas: She's better than i thought, and a good kisser. But i really will feel awful dumping you
Me: I've written everything i could say in the blog. Do what you think you should do.
Cas is offline.
A small update:
Cas: that post is basically to me
Me: YEP
Cas: and I'm now in a horrible position. I hate you so much.
Me: YEP
Cas: She's better than i thought, and a good kisser. But i really will feel awful dumping you
Me: I've written everything i could say in the blog. Do what you think you should do.
Cas is offline.
Sweetie.
ReplyDeleteIt really is one of the worst feelings to be dropped for someone else. Most of us have been there. I certainly have. I'd say that anyone with half a brain wouldn't spring something like thus on you, especially with your good attitude and willingnedd to have sex(!), but life doesn't work like that. And I'm sure neither does Cas.
Nevertheless, he hasn't dumped you. Yet. He may not. However fit this Fit Girl is, she is, essentially, just another girl. You say she's lovely... but how do you know how anyone else may feel about her? You're making assumptions about what happen with her and Cas, because of Cas' statement...
"Owwwhh this is all very nice but what about if/when it happens with me and The Fit Girl?"
...which was a totally dumb thing for him to say, let's be fair.
So, I feel how anxious you are. Literally. It comes through in your words, how anxious you are. But wait until it comes to a resolution. I know it's horrible, but there's not much else you can do at this time.
But at the very least, don't blame your vagina. As I've said before, vaginismus shouldn't stop you from being able to have sex, and if it does, then he - not you - is doing it wrong.
This is why you shouldn't let people know about your blog ;)
ReplyDeleteI've been in a similar situation. Casual sex relationships are great, until you develop feelings, and then other person finds someone they would like to be in a 'proper' relationship with. It's not really being dumped, just having the casual sex relationship terminated. Unfortunately, because of the informality of a casual relationship I think it is reasonable for someone to end one if there's someone they like in a more romantic light! It's happened to me (scroll down to the bottom of this page) and was a ballache, but there wasn't really much I could complain about :(
I know it's difficult for you because of your vaginismus and the uncertainty of having to explain that to new partners, but there are more guys out there...
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS. Please read my latest comment on:
ReplyDeletehttp://vaginismus-aturbulentteenagesexlife.blogspot.com/2011/04/public-announcement.html
Primary Vaginismus is the Atheist's Nightmare.
Primary Vaginismus.
ReplyDeleteIf you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.
It is God's way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
Or be CELIBATE.
That's because it is God's way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don't realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.
Trying to remedy your condition is against God's will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If your a woman, don't get married & don't have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
FACE IT! You have a NUN'S VAGINA.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.
VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.
I am now an enlightened man.