Since when did 'no strings' have so many tethers?

You know that feeling when you really want something but know you shouldn’t? It’s not quite the same as wanting something you can’t have; it’s wanting something that will turn to ruins if you had it. It’s selfishness.
For some reason I want more than just Friends With Benefits with Mark and I don’t know why. I’m happy now, this feeling is just me being stupid and greedy.

We would be awful together, shocking. He’d be useless and I would get back at him by doing something stupid. I’d feel tied up; the strings between us would turn into rope and then I’d lash out. Ruining everything. If we became more than we already are it would be terrible, so why does a huge part of me want it?

I must just be in the honeymoon stage of FWBs, and watching too much Gossip Girl. As much as the cynical side of me thinks this is a really, really, really, really bad idea to even be contemplating; a teeny tiny bit of me wants someone more. He’s brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy and just arghhh! This isn’t good for me. Well it is, but it wouldn’t be brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy, it would just be arghhh. I don’t like the idea of arghhh as much as I like him.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me! What is it with him that makes me want to go all Blair and Chuck on my own arse?! Though come on, you’d have to be heartless to not want this:

Melt's my heart. What do you think the chances are of making Mark wear a bow tie to sixth form?

xAx

V Frustrated.

Vaginismus is the one of the most confusing disorders (no matter whether you’re single or with someone) to go through. The lack of information suitable for teenagers is shocking. This is why I started V-ATTS, to tell people what it’s really like. At times you feel utterly alone, devastatingly alone. Statistics claim that every woman will go through V at some point in their life; how have I managed to not find anyone my age going through it too? When I first consulted my GP about V, she told me it was the equivalent of Erectile Dysfunction. As much as you want to have sex, you just can’t; it can be psychological or physical, which tend to blend into one big vicious circle of being worried about it not working so much; it doesn’t work. So why is there so much fuss about ED around and not V? You say erectile dysfunction; people know what you mean. I tell Ben I think I have Vvaginismus; he has to Wikipedia it. It’s crazy. It’s not right.

I’m still thinking about having a hymenectomy. Before you ask, I’m not recommending this. Even though it’s minor, it’s still an operation. If you are even considering a hymenectomy, think about it. A hymenectomy will not solve V. It just so happens that on top of having partial V I also have a usually thick hymen wall, which does not yet seem to have torn during sex or any other activities, brilliant.

I half wish I had the sheer will and the sheer energy to be more promiscuous; surely the more experiences of sex you have the less your vagina is going to be scared of it, right?

Love you V...

xAx

Why do i say these things?

Relationships, whether you like to admit it or not, end for a reason. Me and Ben were not exactly a model couple; we broke up for 3 months at one point and on separate occasions we both cheated on each other. Relationships end for a reason; our reason was that we weren’t worth the hardships of long distance. We weren’t strong enough to get over the 40-odd mile gap. Even taking into consideration the shopping opportunities at Cambridge.
But just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings for each other. I’m assuming that when I see him in person there’s going to be a flood of emotion that’s been pent up in me for the past 2 months, gagging to be fondled by the familiarity that is Ben.

...............................................................................................................

That bit above was written a few nights ago. He got fraped tonight: “I love you A xxx” which obviously made me think that's blatantly me. This pissed me off so much; for the last few days the rage has just been brimming at the surface, waiting to punch someone in the face… It kind of came out in Ben’s direction. So yeah, I text him saying “was that meant to be funny or something? Love A” and long story short we got into a massive argument ending with me saying “I spent two years giving a shit about you and you just assume were going to break up, with no second thoughts. You just leave. Great, thanks. Shows how much I actually meant to you. I loved you so much and would have tried to make it work. But you ruined it. Thanks for wasting two years of my life Ben, was a blast.”

Yeeeeeeaaahhh… not really sure what to do now.

Maybe casual sex is still an option? As Blair puts it: “It's just your ordinary, run of the mill ex sex, fuelled by the most common of aphrodisiacs: mutual loathing and disdain.”

The Gospel of Gossip Girl always helps in times of need.

xAx

Just Good Friends

So I’ve been attempting to rack my brains round this whole Mark issue for the past week or so, resulting in ‘the talk’. Yeah, I hate the talk too, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and be a wuss and text him instead of talking to him in real life. We came to the conclusion that we’ve just been completely stagnant because I thought he wasn’t making a move because I didn’t know what I wanted… and he thought I didn’t know what I wanted because he wasn’t making a move. More of the vicious cycle anyone?
He also admitted that he didn’t want to fuck it up with me but also didn't want to commit himself either. Then I had a brief momemt of brilliance... I was reading through my last blog and realised something, the bit that said ‘I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me want to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me’ is actually not a bad idea… Which leads me to the subject of this blog: Friends With Benefits.

In the words of Hannah Montana, I want the best of both worlds.

Kat had a brief FWB period with a mutual friend: “I think it just came down to the fact that we were both attracted to each other, both friends, both not up for commitment.” She agrees with my FWB theory and thinks Mark would go for it.

So I’ve done some research…

The Most Important Rules Seem To Be These:

•Both parties must be either single or in open relationships.

•If you're not having fun, then by definition, it isn't FWB.

•Just because the sex is casual doesn't make it an appropriate topic for casual conversation. Be discreet.

•Don't assume that duration implies relationship progression.

Both of us are single, we can only find out if we’re having fun by going for it, I can be very discreet and in the last 6 weeks of drunken snogging and house partying our relationship hasn’t really changed at all.

I think this could go very well. All I have to do is get him to agree to it… but after all my research on ‘the rules of FWBs’ I've learnt that a) some of these ‘lad’ websites are really gross and b) most guys seem to be up for the idea.

I was hoping to sign off with some hilarious friends-related pun but I can't think of one... so I'll leave you with this image instead:

You have a nice night

xAx

Being in two minds - can't they just get the fuck along?

I have a theory that I want what I can’t have. Then when I get that; I’m briefly happy. Then bored. This could be translated to ‘I really like to be chased’. Which would make me a bit of an attention seeker.

So I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel and think about Mark; it seems to change on a daily basis. Here’s a rundown of all my different opinions:

Mark is like going outside for air. That comfort I’m accustomed to that always feels like a brand new feeling. A relief. That familiarity and freshness all rolled into one. He's brand new but knows off by heart, and I love that.

Off by heart is boring, Mark is boring. I met a guy last weekend at a gig and it was so great to have that spark, that ‘we’re blatantly into each other’ vibe. Mark’s losing my attention, I think that’s why I’m confused about everything. He’s not even trying. I know I’ve made it clear that I don’t want a boyfriend straight after 2 years with Ben. But wouldn’t it be nice to just try and convince me a bit?

I’m tired of chasing something that ‘I might want… but I’m not sure’. I want him to make me want him. We did have a nice little moment on Friday night where we were both at a mates house and ended up kind of snuggled up on the sofa together, it was nice, but to be honest even the word ‘snuggle’ makes me want to boak. He walked me into town after that, which I felt deserved a cheeky thank you snog. But yeah I was in two minds about the whole sofa business, we weren’t even flirting. It was nice, but weird.

I tried googling 'in two minds' for inspiration at this point;





As you can see; it was pretty unhelpful.

A friend said to me today: “you're both telling everyone apart from each other that you want each other!” I want him to tell me, because it might make a difference to what I think about him. His lack of forwardness puts me off him.

Though maybe it’s me, maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. Has the whole thing with Ben just put me off relationships completely? Or maybe I can trick myself into thinking that I’m not in a relationship with Mark when apparently we act like boyfriend and girlfriend just without anything really happening apart from occasional snogging and a one off drunken roll around in the dark at a house party (which I’m still not proud of by the way…)

I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me what to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me.

The friend, the heavily chested fountain of wisdom, also gave me a brilliant thing to say to him:

“you need to mention to mark how nothings ever new with you and how he doesn’t make you feel like he wants you, so if he can’t prove himself, and would rather just go back to being friends… then you will”

“I love it"
“Mwah”

Wise words from a wise girl.

xAx

Dilator Dilemma

Today class we’re going to talk about dilators. Does anyone know what one of those is?

I didn’t. Not until our best friend vaginismus came along. Women with vaginismus (including myself) are often given the advice to use dilators, to get the vagina used to something substantial up there. Sound great don’t they? Well I have these and there scaring me to death. I got given them at one of my appointments and am terrified to use them. They sit there, hidden in a drawer, disguised as a makeup bag, in my room. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like I should use them; I just don’t know if I could handle not being able to take one bigger than a tampon. I can use tampons, easily. But there are 4 sizes in my bag of fun, and only the little one seems plausible right now. Which is severely depressing.

Of course I have to just man up really, but as in most cases; that’s easier said than done. There’s a huge difference between manning up and putting it up (there).

Ben once said to me that I was essentially using him as a human dilator, having sex with him for my vagina’s sake rather than because I wanted to have sex with him for pleasure. And to be honest, I think he was right. So I suppose I should get used to using a dilator made out of plastic, rather than one made out of Ben.

That picture above is the exact set that I have by the way, oh and here's some websites to do with treatment for vaginismus:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Treatment.aspx
http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/single.html
http://www.vaginaldilator.co.uk/how-to-use-a-vaginal-dilator.html

happy researching!

xAx

Exposed

I should really be doing some coursework right now but it makes me do this:

And I feel I owe you an update…

I’ve been sexless for a month and it’s been interesting, nerve-racking, but interesting.

Things happened with Mark, drunk things at a house party and I’m not sure how I feel about them. In a nutshell, we would have sex if he’d had a condom, but he didn’t. I had one though, but I left it to fate to decide my sex life; if Mark had a condom, we’d have or at least attempt to have sex. This was probably a very clear sign that I wasn’t ready for anything at all, but through a drunken haze, the reality of sleeping with someone new (with or without vaginismus to take into account) doesn’t seem such a bad idea.

I’m gonna take a few steps back here, as you may be wondering whether Mark knows or not. He does. I didn’t tell him though, he found out all on his own. Had a bit of a dramatic Friday; Mark asked to borrow my new laptop (which I have yet to figure out how to securely store private files on) and I said yes and quickly moved all the current blog hard copies into a random folder. To no prevail. He stumbled across the files, which I still think is pretty out of order, he had to dig to find them! I don’t know, maybe he knew I was hiding something; after the whole thing had calmed down a bit he said “this does actually explain a lot”. But who knows, he’s still lying to me anyway; my shiny new laptop also gives me a list of ‘recently opened documents’, Mark claims he read a bit of one then didn’t read anymore… but the evidence piles against him. All six blog entries in that particular folder had been recently opened, and he had two hours with my laptop, once again that is TWO HOURS!

You would read them all wouldn’t you? I certainly would.

I was hoping to tell him on MY terms, when I thought it was the right time, not having to explain myself through tears and shame with a touch of embarrassment thrown in there too.

I’m scared of explaining things to him, especially after that house party. Nothing’s happened since Dramatic Friday; no random kisses on staircases like before, it’s hard to pretend like nothing’s wrong with me when now he knows there really is. It was so much easier to just pretend everything was ok.

(Oh and just for issue of clarity, he still doesn't know about the blog as far as I'm aware and he only read 6 of the earlier blogs, thank god nothing about him...)

In other news, I have another Doctor’s appointment next week; and it's quite a bit of a big deal for me this time because it’s been a year since my very first examination, since all the attempts at dealing with vaginismus and since I actually told someone. A bloody rollercoaster and lies and sex and secrets. Hopefully I’ll be having another examination at this appointment; and I’ll try and be a bit more classy this time… I bet that support nurse has nightmares about me.

Stay sexy

xAx