I've been a wuss about posting new blogs since 2010's conclusive couple of weeks, this will become clear eventually... I'll save it for another entry.
Tis the season to be awkward tralalalala lalalala.
So I’m sat here in the kitchen on my own watching spy kids after the avoiding the entirety of my extended family who have now gone out without me. Fair enough really, considering I hid from them in the bathroom.
I feel I’ve failed you. I didn’t talk to Ben. I couldn’t. It was a shocking display of sheepishness from both parties. He actually said more to me than I did to him: ‘hi’ whilst looking half scared I was going to punch his lights out. I just stopped, just for a second and mouthed ‘hi’ in return. Then once he left our monosyllabic conversation I admirably ran to the loos and attempted to stop myself from crying. When I came back Ben was gone.
But I’m going to do the second best and most wussiest thing: text him. Now we all know that this did not go well last time, but I’m going for niceties this time.
..............................
OMG UPDATE: During the annual ‘let’s play poker because we have nothing else to do’ family poker game I realised that during my drunken stupor on Christmas Eve I received a text from Ben after he’d left the pub. Is he in exactly the same position as me? Why didn’t he just talk to me? The text itself was quite small talky and testing the watery but my reply was ridiculously blunt:
“I had a pretty good night thanks, was really odd seeing you tbh. I think we should make friends because I don’t know about you but I found it really really weird last night and I don’t want it to be like that for [name of party host]’s party… its strange and a shame to pretend you don’t exist when you’ve been a huge part of my life for the last 2 years. What do you reckon?”
......................
OMG ANOTHER UPDATE: he never replied, what a cunt.
xAx
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Hoping for a Christmas Miracle.
Ben’s back, shit. I would usually say it would be quite easy to ignore and avoid him; as we’re not really in the same group of friends. Well I thought this; apparently one person slipped through the net of post-breakup frustration. Both myself and Ben are attending a ‘small friendly gathering’ just after Christmas, ode to joy.
We still haven’t spoken since that crazy angry text I sent him… but I’ve physically seen Ben once since he’s been back, at a party which he made a brief appearance: promptly leaving soon after Mark came up and kissed me quite publicly. So yeah, going well!
You know the drill when you break up with someone; we’ve all been through it. For whatever reason you broke up, the usual outcome is that you make empty promises to stay friends; which never actually happens.
Can you be friends with an ex?
Factors such as being friends first or being in the same group of people or even just having to be around the ex a lot half forces you to make friends again so it’s less awkward and just generally easier. But what if you were none of these things? What if you met and clicked on a more than friendly level instantly, what if you don’t really share any close friends, what if the ex now lives 40 miles away half the year?
Surely I can make a case for not being friends with him. But then again; you can’t just pretend you don’t know them after spending two years with them, being in love with them, seeing them very very naked. Of course I have the solace of knowing that I have Mark to flaunt in the ‘who’s moved on first’ competition’, but does that give me an excuse to be friends?
So what are you if not friends? Acquaintances? One of those people who you say hi to in passing and hope that they don’t stop for small talk? “Ben? Yeah I know him but we’re not really mates.” WHAT?
Why do we even bother attempting to be friends? Askmen.com said: “Not only does it give the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren't monsters, but by wanting to remain friends, it also allows the dumper to feel that their former lover will still be in their life, and they won't have to miss having them around.”
So before this small gathering where I will be keeping myself at least a few yards away from Ben at all times; should I attempt to savage this wreckage? When just seeing him brings back memories, mainly of him naked and on top of me but that’s not the point. The point is I feel like in respect of our now dead relationship, we should both move on and try and be civil. That’s the most mature thing to do right? No matter how awkward and painful it may be.
It took me a year to start talking to my first boyfriend again (and I only kissed him), but he’s now one of my best friends and the first person I told about my Vaginismus. Surely this is a sign that in the end it will all work out? Christmas Eve may be a good place to start; we’ll both be in town and a bit drunk. And come on, tis the season.
Man Up.
xAx
We still haven’t spoken since that crazy angry text I sent him… but I’ve physically seen Ben once since he’s been back, at a party which he made a brief appearance: promptly leaving soon after Mark came up and kissed me quite publicly. So yeah, going well!
You know the drill when you break up with someone; we’ve all been through it. For whatever reason you broke up, the usual outcome is that you make empty promises to stay friends; which never actually happens.
Can you be friends with an ex?
Factors such as being friends first or being in the same group of people or even just having to be around the ex a lot half forces you to make friends again so it’s less awkward and just generally easier. But what if you were none of these things? What if you met and clicked on a more than friendly level instantly, what if you don’t really share any close friends, what if the ex now lives 40 miles away half the year?
Surely I can make a case for not being friends with him. But then again; you can’t just pretend you don’t know them after spending two years with them, being in love with them, seeing them very very naked. Of course I have the solace of knowing that I have Mark to flaunt in the ‘who’s moved on first’ competition’, but does that give me an excuse to be friends?
So what are you if not friends? Acquaintances? One of those people who you say hi to in passing and hope that they don’t stop for small talk? “Ben? Yeah I know him but we’re not really mates.” WHAT?
Why do we even bother attempting to be friends? Askmen.com said: “Not only does it give the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren't monsters, but by wanting to remain friends, it also allows the dumper to feel that their former lover will still be in their life, and they won't have to miss having them around.”
So before this small gathering where I will be keeping myself at least a few yards away from Ben at all times; should I attempt to savage this wreckage? When just seeing him brings back memories, mainly of him naked and on top of me but that’s not the point. The point is I feel like in respect of our now dead relationship, we should both move on and try and be civil. That’s the most mature thing to do right? No matter how awkward and painful it may be.
It took me a year to start talking to my first boyfriend again (and I only kissed him), but he’s now one of my best friends and the first person I told about my Vaginismus. Surely this is a sign that in the end it will all work out? Christmas Eve may be a good place to start; we’ll both be in town and a bit drunk. And come on, tis the season.
Man Up.
xAx
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Since when did 'no strings' have so many tethers?
You know that feeling when you really want something but know you shouldn’t? It’s not quite the same as wanting something you can’t have; it’s wanting something that will turn to ruins if you had it. It’s selfishness.
For some reason I want more than just Friends With Benefits with Mark and I don’t know why. I’m happy now, this feeling is just me being stupid and greedy.
We would be awful together, shocking. He’d be useless and I would get back at him by doing something stupid. I’d feel tied up; the strings between us would turn into rope and then I’d lash out. Ruining everything. If we became more than we already are it would be terrible, so why does a huge part of me want it?
I must just be in the honeymoon stage of FWBs, and watching too much Gossip Girl. As much as the cynical side of me thinks this is a really, really, really, really bad idea to even be contemplating; a teeny tiny bit of me wants someone more. He’s brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy and just arghhh! This isn’t good for me. Well it is, but it wouldn’t be brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy, it would just be arghhh. I don’t like the idea of arghhh as much as I like him.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me! What is it with him that makes me want to go all Blair and Chuck on my own arse?! Though come on, you’d have to be heartless to not want this:
Melt's my heart. What do you think the chances are of making Mark wear a bow tie to sixth form?
xAx
For some reason I want more than just Friends With Benefits with Mark and I don’t know why. I’m happy now, this feeling is just me being stupid and greedy.
We would be awful together, shocking. He’d be useless and I would get back at him by doing something stupid. I’d feel tied up; the strings between us would turn into rope and then I’d lash out. Ruining everything. If we became more than we already are it would be terrible, so why does a huge part of me want it?
I must just be in the honeymoon stage of FWBs, and watching too much Gossip Girl. As much as the cynical side of me thinks this is a really, really, really, really bad idea to even be contemplating; a teeny tiny bit of me wants someone more. He’s brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy and just arghhh! This isn’t good for me. Well it is, but it wouldn’t be brilliant and lovely and pretty and funny and sexy, it would just be arghhh. I don’t like the idea of arghhh as much as I like him.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me! What is it with him that makes me want to go all Blair and Chuck on my own arse?! Though come on, you’d have to be heartless to not want this:
Melt's my heart. What do you think the chances are of making Mark wear a bow tie to sixth form?
xAx
V Frustrated.
Vaginismus is the one of the most confusing disorders (no matter whether you’re single or with someone) to go through. The lack of information suitable for teenagers is shocking. This is why I started V-ATTS, to tell people what it’s really like. At times you feel utterly alone, devastatingly alone. Statistics claim that every woman will go through V at some point in their life; how have I managed to not find anyone my age going through it too? When I first consulted my GP about V, she told me it was the equivalent of Erectile Dysfunction. As much as you want to have sex, you just can’t; it can be psychological or physical, which tend to blend into one big vicious circle of being worried about it not working so much; it doesn’t work. So why is there so much fuss about ED around and not V? You say erectile dysfunction; people know what you mean. I tell Ben I think I have Vvaginismus; he has to Wikipedia it. It’s crazy. It’s not right.
I’m still thinking about having a hymenectomy. Before you ask, I’m not recommending this. Even though it’s minor, it’s still an operation. If you are even considering a hymenectomy, think about it. A hymenectomy will not solve V. It just so happens that on top of having partial V I also have a usually thick hymen wall, which does not yet seem to have torn during sex or any other activities, brilliant.
I half wish I had the sheer will and the sheer energy to be more promiscuous; surely the more experiences of sex you have the less your vagina is going to be scared of it, right?
Love you V...
xAx
I’m still thinking about having a hymenectomy. Before you ask, I’m not recommending this. Even though it’s minor, it’s still an operation. If you are even considering a hymenectomy, think about it. A hymenectomy will not solve V. It just so happens that on top of having partial V I also have a usually thick hymen wall, which does not yet seem to have torn during sex or any other activities, brilliant.
I half wish I had the sheer will and the sheer energy to be more promiscuous; surely the more experiences of sex you have the less your vagina is going to be scared of it, right?
Love you V...
xAx
Monday, 22 November 2010
Why do i say these things?
Relationships, whether you like to admit it or not, end for a reason. Me and Ben were not exactly a model couple; we broke up for 3 months at one point and on separate occasions we both cheated on each other. Relationships end for a reason; our reason was that we weren’t worth the hardships of long distance. We weren’t strong enough to get over the 40-odd mile gap. Even taking into consideration the shopping opportunities at Cambridge.
But just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings for each other. I’m assuming that when I see him in person there’s going to be a flood of emotion that’s been pent up in me for the past 2 months, gagging to be fondled by the familiarity that is Ben.
...............................................................................................................
That bit above was written a few nights ago. He got fraped tonight: “I love you A xxx” which obviously made me think that's blatantly me. This pissed me off so much; for the last few days the rage has just been brimming at the surface, waiting to punch someone in the face… It kind of came out in Ben’s direction. So yeah, I text him saying “was that meant to be funny or something? Love A” and long story short we got into a massive argument ending with me saying “I spent two years giving a shit about you and you just assume were going to break up, with no second thoughts. You just leave. Great, thanks. Shows how much I actually meant to you. I loved you so much and would have tried to make it work. But you ruined it. Thanks for wasting two years of my life Ben, was a blast.”
Yeeeeeeaaahhh… not really sure what to do now.
Maybe casual sex is still an option? As Blair puts it: “It's just your ordinary, run of the mill ex sex, fuelled by the most common of aphrodisiacs: mutual loathing and disdain.”
The Gospel of Gossip Girl always helps in times of need.
xAx
But just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings for each other. I’m assuming that when I see him in person there’s going to be a flood of emotion that’s been pent up in me for the past 2 months, gagging to be fondled by the familiarity that is Ben.
...............................................................................................................
That bit above was written a few nights ago. He got fraped tonight: “I love you A xxx” which obviously made me think that's blatantly me. This pissed me off so much; for the last few days the rage has just been brimming at the surface, waiting to punch someone in the face… It kind of came out in Ben’s direction. So yeah, I text him saying “was that meant to be funny or something? Love A” and long story short we got into a massive argument ending with me saying “I spent two years giving a shit about you and you just assume were going to break up, with no second thoughts. You just leave. Great, thanks. Shows how much I actually meant to you. I loved you so much and would have tried to make it work. But you ruined it. Thanks for wasting two years of my life Ben, was a blast.”
Yeeeeeeaaahhh… not really sure what to do now.
Maybe casual sex is still an option? As Blair puts it: “It's just your ordinary, run of the mill ex sex, fuelled by the most common of aphrodisiacs: mutual loathing and disdain.”
The Gospel of Gossip Girl always helps in times of need.
xAx
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Just Good Friends
So I’ve been attempting to rack my brains round this whole Mark issue for the past week or so, resulting in ‘the talk’. Yeah, I hate the talk too, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and be a wuss and text him instead of talking to him in real life. We came to the conclusion that we’ve just been completely stagnant because I thought he wasn’t making a move because I didn’t know what I wanted… and he thought I didn’t know what I wanted because he wasn’t making a move. More of the vicious cycle anyone?
He also admitted that he didn’t want to fuck it up with me but also didn't want to commit himself either. Then I had a brief momemt of brilliance... I was reading through my last blog and realised something, the bit that said ‘I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me want to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me’ is actually not a bad idea… Which leads me to the subject of this blog: Friends With Benefits.
In the words of Hannah Montana, I want the best of both worlds.
Kat had a brief FWB period with a mutual friend: “I think it just came down to the fact that we were both attracted to each other, both friends, both not up for commitment.” She agrees with my FWB theory and thinks Mark would go for it.
So I’ve done some research…
The Most Important Rules Seem To Be These:
•Both parties must be either single or in open relationships.
•If you're not having fun, then by definition, it isn't FWB.
•Just because the sex is casual doesn't make it an appropriate topic for casual conversation. Be discreet.
•Don't assume that duration implies relationship progression.
Both of us are single, we can only find out if we’re having fun by going for it, I can be very discreet and in the last 6 weeks of drunken snogging and house partying our relationship hasn’t really changed at all.
I think this could go very well. All I have to do is get him to agree to it… but after all my research on ‘the rules of FWBs’ I've learnt that a) some of these ‘lad’ websites are really gross and b) most guys seem to be up for the idea.
I was hoping to sign off with some hilarious friends-related pun but I can't think of one... so I'll leave you with this image instead:
You have a nice night
xAx
He also admitted that he didn’t want to fuck it up with me but also didn't want to commit himself either. Then I had a brief momemt of brilliance... I was reading through my last blog and realised something, the bit that said ‘I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me want to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me’ is actually not a bad idea… Which leads me to the subject of this blog: Friends With Benefits.
In the words of Hannah Montana, I want the best of both worlds.
Kat had a brief FWB period with a mutual friend: “I think it just came down to the fact that we were both attracted to each other, both friends, both not up for commitment.” She agrees with my FWB theory and thinks Mark would go for it.
So I’ve done some research…
The Most Important Rules Seem To Be These:
•Both parties must be either single or in open relationships.
•If you're not having fun, then by definition, it isn't FWB.
•Just because the sex is casual doesn't make it an appropriate topic for casual conversation. Be discreet.
•Don't assume that duration implies relationship progression.
Both of us are single, we can only find out if we’re having fun by going for it, I can be very discreet and in the last 6 weeks of drunken snogging and house partying our relationship hasn’t really changed at all.
I think this could go very well. All I have to do is get him to agree to it… but after all my research on ‘the rules of FWBs’ I've learnt that a) some of these ‘lad’ websites are really gross and b) most guys seem to be up for the idea.
I was hoping to sign off with some hilarious friends-related pun but I can't think of one... so I'll leave you with this image instead:
You have a nice night
xAx
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Being in two minds - can't they just get the fuck along?
I have a theory that I want what I can’t have. Then when I get that; I’m briefly happy. Then bored. This could be translated to ‘I really like to be chased’. Which would make me a bit of an attention seeker.
So I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel and think about Mark; it seems to change on a daily basis. Here’s a rundown of all my different opinions:
Mark is like going outside for air. That comfort I’m accustomed to that always feels like a brand new feeling. A relief. That familiarity and freshness all rolled into one. He's brand new but knows off by heart, and I love that.
Off by heart is boring, Mark is boring. I met a guy last weekend at a gig and it was so great to have that spark, that ‘we’re blatantly into each other’ vibe. Mark’s losing my attention, I think that’s why I’m confused about everything. He’s not even trying. I know I’ve made it clear that I don’t want a boyfriend straight after 2 years with Ben. But wouldn’t it be nice to just try and convince me a bit?
I’m tired of chasing something that ‘I might want… but I’m not sure’. I want him to make me want him. We did have a nice little moment on Friday night where we were both at a mates house and ended up kind of snuggled up on the sofa together, it was nice, but to be honest even the word ‘snuggle’ makes me want to boak. He walked me into town after that, which I felt deserved a cheeky thank you snog. But yeah I was in two minds about the whole sofa business, we weren’t even flirting. It was nice, but weird.
I tried googling 'in two minds' for inspiration at this point;
As you can see; it was pretty unhelpful.
A friend said to me today: “you're both telling everyone apart from each other that you want each other!” I want him to tell me, because it might make a difference to what I think about him. His lack of forwardness puts me off him.
Though maybe it’s me, maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. Has the whole thing with Ben just put me off relationships completely? Or maybe I can trick myself into thinking that I’m not in a relationship with Mark when apparently we act like boyfriend and girlfriend just without anything really happening apart from occasional snogging and a one off drunken roll around in the dark at a house party (which I’m still not proud of by the way…)
I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me what to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me.
The friend, the heavily chested fountain of wisdom, also gave me a brilliant thing to say to him:
“you need to mention to mark how nothings ever new with you and how he doesn’t make you feel like he wants you, so if he can’t prove himself, and would rather just go back to being friends… then you will”
“I love it"
“Mwah”
Wise words from a wise girl.
xAx
So I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel and think about Mark; it seems to change on a daily basis. Here’s a rundown of all my different opinions:
Mark is like going outside for air. That comfort I’m accustomed to that always feels like a brand new feeling. A relief. That familiarity and freshness all rolled into one. He's brand new but knows off by heart, and I love that.
Off by heart is boring, Mark is boring. I met a guy last weekend at a gig and it was so great to have that spark, that ‘we’re blatantly into each other’ vibe. Mark’s losing my attention, I think that’s why I’m confused about everything. He’s not even trying. I know I’ve made it clear that I don’t want a boyfriend straight after 2 years with Ben. But wouldn’t it be nice to just try and convince me a bit?
I’m tired of chasing something that ‘I might want… but I’m not sure’. I want him to make me want him. We did have a nice little moment on Friday night where we were both at a mates house and ended up kind of snuggled up on the sofa together, it was nice, but to be honest even the word ‘snuggle’ makes me want to boak. He walked me into town after that, which I felt deserved a cheeky thank you snog. But yeah I was in two minds about the whole sofa business, we weren’t even flirting. It was nice, but weird.
I tried googling 'in two minds' for inspiration at this point;
As you can see; it was pretty unhelpful.
A friend said to me today: “you're both telling everyone apart from each other that you want each other!” I want him to tell me, because it might make a difference to what I think about him. His lack of forwardness puts me off him.
Though maybe it’s me, maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. Has the whole thing with Ben just put me off relationships completely? Or maybe I can trick myself into thinking that I’m not in a relationship with Mark when apparently we act like boyfriend and girlfriend just without anything really happening apart from occasional snogging and a one off drunken roll around in the dark at a house party (which I’m still not proud of by the way…)
I could just go “look Mark, I like you, not enough to go out with you and be exclusive but enough to make me what to do you in an empty classroom. K?” and see where it leads me.
The friend, the heavily chested fountain of wisdom, also gave me a brilliant thing to say to him:
“you need to mention to mark how nothings ever new with you and how he doesn’t make you feel like he wants you, so if he can’t prove himself, and would rather just go back to being friends… then you will”
“I love it"
“Mwah”
Wise words from a wise girl.
xAx
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