This is completely and utterly the most contradictory post in comparison to my last, however I’d like to express my utmost concerns regarding my current love life situation. And yeah, I’m not talking sex life; I’m talking LOVE life. The L word. Let me give you the run down.
1. Ben, the gorgeous Cambridge boy who left me high and dry with no thought or verbal accusation as to whether I wanted to carry on our crazy complicated and two year long relationship when the prospect of him going to uni came to light. It offends me that he didn’t even consider the fact that I loved him immensely. Then he has the audacity to come back happy, after all the shit I’ve put up over the past 6 months, with a fucking girlfriend! Not that I’m bitter or anything…
2. Mark, the collective conspirator that, in combination with Ben’s efforts, has left me pretty much emotionally destroyed. I liked him a lot more than I let on in the original blog posts regarding the beginning of our relationship. Yeah, I said it; relationship. Because it was in fact a lot more emotionally serious than I let on. We’d been getting on well at sixth form before the end of this term – this is how I know he no longer shares the same feelings for me as I do for him; because we’re friends. If he did in fact have any form of affection left for me; we would have fallen out or would be shagging and/or very much in love by now. Either/or has not happened. So I’m forcibly convincing myself that his lack of feelings is the cause; failing to do so, but still trying my very best. This post by London Girl Up North sums up my current status when it comes to Mark.
3. Cas, ahhh Cas; friend turned human dilator turned better friend. Abnormally since stopping sleeping together we’ve become closer. Though that may just be the backlash of sleeping together. I think I’d consider him one of my closest guy mates now, simply because he lets me complain about my crap love life and we online shop together. There may be unresolved feelings there; I’m not sure. Maybe, I don’t know. But he’s currently getting all fucked up by his ex Sophie, I do feel really bad for him, because I think if Ben was telling me he still wanted and loved me whilst still having a girlfriend (Sophie in fact HAS a boyfriend whilst telling him these horrible, selfish, lovey dovey things) I would still be getting naked for Ben whenever I took his fancy. But yeah; Cas is back from his holiday somewhere on the other side of the world on Friday and I’m actually looking forward to seeing him. Half in a friend way; half an I’d-really-like-to-feel-good-about-myself-right-now kind of way. Cas fulfils both these needs.
4. Now we head towards to regions of unchartered territory. Let me introduce you to The Boy Next Door. We’ve drunkenly kissed twice but that was besides a mention; as many of my random drunk snogs are not dramatic or exciting enough to discuss. The BND is sweet, funny, smart, flirty and he knows about my disorder; this was a tactical tell as I correctly predicted that something was going to happen between us. He handled it very well when I told him so that’s a good sign… But we have a problem: The BND is a virgin. However being my usual untactful-when-drunk self I mentioned that the slot for a new human dilator needed filling (excuse the pun) and that he was a major consideration; but also raised my concerns about his lack of experience. He replied with “well you’ve gotta start somewhere”, like an overly optimistic puppy. Yes, everyone does have to start somewhere; but that somewhere does not necessarily have to be my cursed vagina. I would not want to lose my virginity to someone with Erectile Dysfunction; this is essentially that, with added pain and terror. I would also personally steer clear from someone with a sexual disorder, I would not make a good human dilator. I want to say to him “please go have sex with some people, gain some experience and then get back to me” but that’s harsh. I’m blunt, but I’m not harsh.
So that’s it, and all for now. Please feel free to shout at me to get a grip/give me helpful advice/just generally voice your opinion on any of the four points made in this post.
Oh and Stay Sexy
xAx
*BIG FAT UPDATE*
A conversation with Cas about 20 hours after this post was published:
*BIG FAT UPDATE*
A conversation with Cas about 20 hours after this post was published:
Cas: "Did i mention i want you back? yeah, i do. but cant act upon it because of The Fit Girl."
A: "No you didn't mention that but i did kind of guess"
A: "No you didn't mention that but i did kind of guess"
Cas: "Oh you guessed did you?" I wouldn't realistically say I guessed, I just assumed this was going to happen, Cas wants what he can't have.
Far too many sausages if you ask me! When "L" word is involved, and inevitably in all things last over a couple of weeks it sort of creeps in there, things get complicated. I'd tell Cas to man the fuck up and get over himself. And as for the others, whilst my advice is pretty cliche (and I'm honoured for the mention!) it sort of is sometimes the best thing to do. Sometimes you gotta wipe the slate clean... and, whilst this is not the healthiest advice, repression is your friend. If things can't work out with these guys, then they're not going to work out... and you've just gotta suck it up. Cas seems to assume you're there if he wants to... But I believe, if you're not the top priority of someone's (even if it's just top of a fuck buddy list) then there's no point. You're just going to fuck yourself up.
ReplyDeleteAnother cliche - there are plenty for fish in the sea. and there are far too many sausages to be worried about someone that isn't madly in love (or at least lust) with you... but hey, I'm a romantic and an idealist. This is also advice coming from a girl who walked out on her fiance. So perhaps take it with a pinch of salt.
london girl up north
Thanks for the advice :) I have updates coming soon about The Boy Next Door, he's an interesting one...
ReplyDeleteI do in fact feel attracted to Cas simply because, as I've put in a previous post, he is a perfect human dilator. Let's hope he can man up. I think the fact that he knows that I'm limited for choice at the moment is a big factor in all of this. I'm seeing him tomorrow night, so who knows what will happen.
Your advice makes serious sense, but to be honest I don't really have any other options... and no options means no blog posts. I want to sex up the blog a bit, maybe try writing something a bit more graphic. I'm going to need Cas' help with that typographically and physically. ARGH.
Who knows, I'll be sure to keep you posted :)
xAx
Primary Vaginismus.
ReplyDeleteIf you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.
It is God's way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
Or be CELIBATE.
That's because it is God's way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don't realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.
Trying to remedy your condition is against God's will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If your a woman, don't get married & don't have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
FACE IT! You have a NUN'S VAGINA.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.
VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.
I am now an enlightened man.