Very few times in my life have I met a true gentleman. Men have come close and boys have come nowhere near. It brings a tear to my eye that when I actually experience one, it frustrates me beyond belief. Why? Because my disorder fucks it up.
Michael clutched at my waist and urged me across to the edge of the kitchen counter, to where my lips slowly met his. My legs wrapped themselves around his lower back and pulled him closer. I ran my fingers through his thick brown hair, jumped down from the counter, getting closer and closer still.
Our lips separated to my dismay. He stepped back.
“I can’t do this” SAY WUUUT?
“Why?!” I asked with an obvious mixture of disappointment, frustration and shock.
“I feel like I’m taking advantage of you” to be fair I was VERY drunk, but I thought he was too, “you’re so drunk and I’m basically sober”. Ah. Turns out I was so drunk I didn’t realise that he wasn’t at all.
“It’s fine I don’t care” I said slightly desperately. I was too drunk to care about Vaginismus, despite it being constantly present in the back of my mind; scratching away. That is probably a really bad alcohol level to normal person, but for someone with Vaginismus ; being this drunk is appropriate pain relief.
“No. I’m sorry. I really really REALLY want to have sex with you, trust me, I do. I just don’t want you to wake up in morning and regret it” Oh for fucks sake. He untangled himself from me, I pouted.
“Fine”
“Tomorrow night? When we’re both sober?” NO YOU FUCKING MORON I CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU WHEN I’M SOBER BECAUSE I HAVEN’T HAD SEX SINCE MAY SO IT’S GOING TO FUCKING HURT! I decided that probably wasn’t the best thing to say at this point;
“That’s probably not going to happen, Michael”
I’m going to be totally honest; my Vaginismus has got to the stage where I’m actually really scared of having sex. I didn’t used to be scared, I was never scared of the pain or even the embarrassment of sex not going well, but I am now. I’ve experienced the worst of it and now know it is in fact a pain to be scared of. I think the physical:psychological ratio is probably about 1:1 now. The thing I was dreading the most has happened. It’s just as much in my head now as it is physical. I don’t think I am ever going to except that it is in my head, because it didn’t start in my head. Great, now I just sound mental, but I haven’t had sex since. Not having sex for that long has its effects on the best of us, and I’m the worst of us.
Maybe it is psychological and I am actually just mental. I’m putting too much pressure on myself to pretend that nothing is wrong with me. Or maybe I just don’t trust Michael to continue being a gentleman and not tell anyone if something went wrong. When something went wrong. Oh and if you were wondering, there was no ‘tomorrow night’ in the end. I don’t like him enough to take on a challenge as huge as having sex with someone who doesn’t know about me let alone having sex sober.
Apparently Michael likes me and didn’t ‘take advantage’ of me BECAUSE he really likes me. Christ. That night proved that being the object of someone’s affections is not a good thing. Him having feelings for me stopped me from getting laid. What a selfish twat. Did he not think that if I didn’t want him to take advantage of me then I wouldn’t have brought him back to mine?! Emotions just ruin everything.
Actually, no. Psychology ruins everything.
Stay Sexy
Alura x
That sucks. But hey, at least you're getting people wanting to have sex with you - proof enough, mayhaps, that you are hella sexy, whatever your vagina may seem to think?
ReplyDeleteThe blog contains informational and educational material. The post enhance my thoughts and experience. So nice!
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Hey! Alura. You only have two destinations. Either you receive God's salvation by following your destiny (nunnery or celibacy) or suffer in Hell.
ReplyDeleteI am here to defend Alura's VAGINAL RIGHTS:
1.) Right to refuse intercourse.
2.) Right to self-lubricate
3.) Right to masturbate
If women have the right to say no, then so does their vaginas. Some women do not own their vaginas because God owns them for population control.
Unfortunately, Alura is violating her own vaginal rights, thus bringing her closer to Hell than ever before.
Uneducated idiot...
Deletei know how frustrating the psychological side of things can be! i used to have vaginismus too and i used to think if i didn't psychological issues about sex before i found out i had it, then i definitely did when i realised i had this god-aweful condition! But hang in there, it does get better, mine did! - i used to not be able to have sex at all and now i'm fine!
ReplyDeleteBtw have you tried a drug called Amitriptyline? Its normal use is not for vaginismus; it is more commonly used as an antidepressant (but in higher doses)and it's sometimes used to help children who wet the bed (which I know is not you're problem, but i think this means it has an effect on Kegel muscles or something) When I went to my GP about vaginismus she prescribed it to me and whilst its no miracle cure I think it did help (you're not supposed to use it with alcohol, but by the sounds of it that could be useful to you). Anyway best of luck!
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Primary Vaginismus is God’s way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate to keep the population down.
ReplyDeleteShe has a NUN'S VAGINA. God works in strange ways. I am now an enlightened man. Treating Vaginismus is against God's will.