The bad kind of wanderlust.

If it was unclear, the previous post written by me was about seeing Mark in the pub the other night and his prolonged, inappropriate staring. I got incredibly angry at this as it’s nothing different to how he normally acts around me, but this time I was just so fed up with it. I met his annoyingly gorgeous eyes across the table for the last time; then moved the fuck on with my night. I forgot about Mark for the rest of the night, and had a good night with no sorrow involved. This was all fine and dandy until my friend Rapunzel (whom she shall be hereby known as) and I left the pub pretty tipsy and headed back to my house. Collapsing into bed we got to chatting about Rapunzel’s avoidance of her ex that consisted throughout the evening. She decided at this point to tell me that after I had had enough of encouraging Mark’s staring that he continued this throughout the night.

“In a sort of longing way, like a ‘why did I fuck it up’ kinda way” claimed Rapunzel.  I brushed this off as him finding it awkward being around me considering we hadn’t seen each other or spoken in 5 weeks prior to said pub-going; however this festered in my mind for days, I know what look she was describing and I wanted to know more. It hurt to not know more and took all my might to not question her claims over the next 4 days, until this desperation turned into annoyance, depression and a post. In that order.

The next Saturday night however was different. The next Saturday night brought forth a new horizon from a setting sun.  The next Saturday night involved Ben.

How long does it take to get over a relationship? For some reason I have always been a firm believer in the rule that states it takes approximately half the time you were in a relationship to get over said relationship, even though I have never been in a situation in which I’ve needed to get over someone as drastically as I have with Ben. This is supposed to allow you the proper amount of time to grieve the relationship, contemplate what you learned from it, and move on to a healthier relationship.

The shock of seeing him in the local watering hole last Saturday night did not leave my body feeling like stomach had just broken, my stomach felt indifferent and I ‘pfft’ed his presence off like the friend you haven’t got round to saying hello to yet. Of course I still look for that tiny bit longer than one should in a social situation; however doesn’t this happen with most people when coming across someone they’ve loved? And of course I still love him to pieces; but not in the same way anymore. I am no longer in love with Ben.

Ben is no longer in love with me. Ben has let me go.

But Mark’s eyes won’t let me leave. They drag me back to nothingness when I desperately want to leave. I am counting down the hours until I can leave. I need to get out of this hideously vicious circle. 10 weeks; 10 weeks then I'll be gone. Breathing fresh air and fresh problems. I was researching a backup plan if I don't get into uni. Plan B is still leave. I need to get away from those eyes.

I know I go on about this so much and I’m incredibly sorry; if you know me and are reading this you know how much love I have for both Ben and Mark, you will also know that I try my best to not let that erode me just a little bit every single day. If you don’t know me; if you’ve just come looking for a blog about dealing with Vaginismus as a teenager you are reading the wrong blog. I try to deal with a lot of other shit too. Sorry about that.

I know it’s teenage strife but it’s the only strife I know.

Stay Sexy

xAx